


Gentle Pursuit

by givemepizza



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bipolar Disorder, Boys In Love, Depressed Even Bech Næsheim, Dorks in Love, First Meetings, Fluff, Love at First Sight, M/M, Optimistic Isak, POV Alternating, Sad Even, Slice of Life, Suicidal Thoughts, Talking, Teen Romance, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:27:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 33,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25342435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/givemepizza/pseuds/givemepizza
Summary: Isak accidentally stumbles upon a seemingly private moment on his school rooftop, and in the process he falls in love at first sight with a beautiful boy named Even. Isak decides to pursue Even and since It's obvious that Even likes Isak too, it seems only natural for them for to get together. The only problem is that the timing is all wrong for Even and this causes them both a lot of anxiety and confusion. Through all that, they find courage, trust and love in each other.
Relationships: Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen
Comments: 82
Kudos: 129





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> The angsty chaptered story i promised has arrived. The story has sad elements to it but it's not too sad because i hate sad things, especially endings. No matter what this will have a very happy and hopeful ending because that's what i'm all about. There a lot of fluffy and cute moments to compensate for the sad parts. Evak talk, bond and spend a lot of time having fun together.  
> This story is canon in that;  
> -Even has bipolar disorder  
> -Even transfers to Nissen where he meets Isak  
> -Isak's parents are divorced
> 
> The differences are that;  
> -Isak is already out of the closet when he meets Even  
> \- Muta, Yousef and Mikael are Even's new friends at Nissen  
> -Isak's mum has no mental health problems  
> -Isak never moves in with Eskild. I love Eskild so much but i couldn't find a way to include him in this story.  
> -Isak never meets Emma  
> I can only hope everyone will be comfortable with the slight differences. Let's pretend, shall we?!  
> TRIGGER WARNING: certain chapters of this story WILL contain heavy depiction of depression and suicidal thoughts. If anyone here is sentitve to such content then please atir clear of this story. 
> 
> If you haven't already seen it, please go and support my other evak story, "Beautiful Blue-Eyed Blast From The Past". I'll update both stories at the same time every once a week  
> Lastly, Enjoy!

The music playing in the gymnasium is trendy, the punch going around is bearable because someone snuck some vodka in there, almost everyone who is anyone at Nissen is here and more importantly his friends are all here to provide him with great company. It should be a perfect party where Isak is concerned but it just isn’t. The drama club has come to be known for throwing great parties, considering that they have to work within the school premises, as well as its rules and supervision. 

Jonas leans towards Isak and whispers. “Just try to chill, bro. it’s all good. No one cares anymore.”

Isak takes another unnecessarily big swig of his beer. “Then why is everyone staring at me and whispering?”

“It’s probably in your head.”  
“Is it?”

Jonas sighs, regarding his friend comfortingly. “You gotta relax, man. People gossip. That’s what they do. It’ll pass. In a few days some other big news will come up and everyone will forget about you.”

Isak shakes his head disbelievingly, but he doesn’t wish to continue this conversation. Everything in here feels damned stuffy and he just needs to get out for a while. “Where did Mags and Mahdi go?”

Jonas cranes his neck, scanning the faces close by, looking for their two friends. “Probably hooking up with some girls somewhere.”

“I’m going outside for a little while. I’ll be back.”

Jonas stops his search and brings his gaze back to Isak. “Do you want me to come with you?”

“No. need have fun.” Without another word, Isak sets off, squeezing past the bustling traffic of dancing students on his way out. The rooftop usually provides him some peaceful solitary silence, so he heads there.

He makes steps towards the edge of the rooftop but stop abruptly when he spots a figure sitting alone there at the very edge of the rooftop and looking very much in danger of falling.

A lone figure sitting with each of his shoulder curled in towards his chest and head falling forward- Isak can only assume the worst.

His vision blurs as fear and panic surge deep in his belly. On impulse he forgets to thinks and just rushes over to the person and stops a few metres shy of personal space least he scares them into jumping. “Stop.” Isak says just loud enough for the person to hear, his voice shaking because he is breathing so hard.

The person turns around and stares at Isak visibly stunned. “Excuse me?” the guys says

“Please don’t…don’t jump.”

The guy raises his eyebrows at Isak and for a moment he looks entirely lost. His gaze leaves Isak for a moment to look around as if to gain some sort of understanding of what’s happening. Realisation appears to finally hit him and he looks back at Isak with wide eyes. “Oh.” He whispers and then swings his legs with ease over to the safe side of the ledge.

He stands up and walks out of the shadows and over to Isak. The first thing Isak notices is how tall the guy is. A lean a gaunt guy, around Isak’s own age, the second is how attractive he is with his blonde curly hair hanging in waves on a perfectly sculptured face with wide boyish eyes, a straight nose, hollowed cheeks and a pair of plump lips that are impossible not to get drawn in by.

Thre is an unnerving seriousness about him but at the same time he doesn’t seem stern. It’s a combination Isak has never seen before.

They haven’t met yet but Isak can feel his heart being taken. He wants to know all the emotions swimming in the guy’s soulful eyes and the reason why he is up here trying to end his life.

Isak steps a small, hopefully subtle step closer to discreetly observe the guy at closer range.

“Thank you.” Isak says.

“For what?” The guy asks and hunches his bony shoulders into himself. It’s a cold night but Isak gets the impression that the chill this guy is feeling has to do with more than just the weather.

“For stepping away from the ledge.”

“I think there is a misunderstanding.”

“Is there?”

“I wasn’t going to jump.”

Isak’s eyebrows furrow in confusion. “No?”

“no.” 

“But you were sitting-”

“I sit up here all the time.”

“At the very edge?”  
“I’m not afraid of heights.” The guy shrugs nonchalantly and for all the bitter bile that has formed in Isak’s belly from the panic he felt just now, he can’t decide whether he wants to hug the guy in relief or punch him in his handsome face for being so calm after nearly giving Isak a heart attack.

“Fuck.” Isak mutters and momentarily looks heavenwards.

“Sorry.” The guy says under his breath, eye downcast. “I was just…I didn’t expect company.”

“Just be careful, okay?”

Lips pressed together, the guy nods and then lifts his gaze to meet Isak’s. “I come up here a lot so I’m good.”

“I come up here too but I’ve never seen you.”

“Do you go to school here?”  
“Yeah.”

“What year?”

“Second.”

“I’m in third year. Name is Even.” Finally Even introduces himself solely for the reason that he wants to know who the cute guy in front of him is. Everything feels like such a whirlwind for Even in that one moment he was sitting on the edge of the rooftop lost in his own thoughts and the next he was getting interrupted by a boy panicking out of his mind. An unexpectedly pretty boy at that.

Even’s heart is still racing from how startled he was by how frightened Isak was a few moments ago.

The truth is that Even is having a hard time fighting his way out of an awful, lengthy phase of depression. At one point a few months ago, he could barely get out of his bedroom, or bring himself to eat and shower. His parents have him in therapy and he is on medication for depression. The fight is still harsh but Even is on the winning side.

Lately he is in better control of his emotions, his mind is a lot clearer, and less noisy even on the bad days. On good days he can manage to come to school, hang out with his friends and stuff, like a normal kid.

Then the bad days also strike and he goes back to feeling low lethargic and gloomy. His emotions and moods are very turbulent and that only makes the misery worse for him. On those days he comes up here, sits at the edge of the rooftop and toys with the idea of jumping off and ending the agony.

At this particular moment Even sees no need to relay all that personal information on a stranger and that’s why he just lied to the boy in front of him. At times when Even’s mind is cloudy and noisy with endless sad thoughts, he rarely afford the luxury to care about his impression or strangers; But even in this state of mind, he has found himself somehow fascinated and mesmerised by this stranger in particular, and he doesn’t want to scare him away just yet.

Even is enthralled by everything about the boy. His wide, frightened eyes; his buttoned nose; his thin lips that make it away to look away from because he keeps licking them; his strong jawline; the golden curls on peeking out from under the snapback on his head; the slight tilt of his head as he regards Even most curiously….

All of it.

Even came to drama club party thinking the noise and socialising would do him some good but then it soon became burdensome and he came up here for some lonesome peace. Now a stranger just barged in on that peace and Even should be telling him to fuck off already. Instead he finds himself standing here introducing himself to the cute stranger.

“I’m Isak.”

For the first time since their meeting, the guy whose name Isak already likes smiles just slightly but enough to drive Isak crazy with how beautiful it is. “It’s a nice to meet you Isak.”

“I wish we met in better circumstances.” Isak let’s himself a smile a bit as well, stuffing his hands deep in his pants pocket as a bout of the cold night wind hits him in the moment.

“I apologise for scaring you.”

“My heart is still racing.”

Even takes his right hand out of his jacket pocket and holds out a blunt, wiggling it a bit. “Are you into the stuff? I guarantee it’ll help us both relax.”

“You’re speaking my language.”

So they sit down on the concrete ground next to each other and Even lights the blunt. They spend a good number of minutes sharing it in silence. When he’s not staring up at the cloudy sky, Isak steals glances at Even just because it’s hard not to stare at someone so beautiful. Isak can’t believe he has never seen this guy around school before is it possible not to notice someone who looks like this?

“So why aren’t you don stairs partying with the others?” Even suddenly speaks, almost startling Isak in the clam silence of the night.

Isak hands the blunt over to Even and waits until he’s blown out the smoke in his mouth, then he says. “It got a bit stuffy in there.”

“Why do I get the feeling that you don’t mean that literally?”

“Why indeed?”

“Maybe it’s because I’m up here alone for reasons similar to yours.”

Just like that it feels like we’ve connected at some level somehow even before we’ve shared our problems in detail. “Do you feel exposed too?” Isak asks

“Very.” Even laughs mirthlessly. “It’s scary not having control over the stuff people can know about you. I wish I could just hide and protect myself.”

It’s like he is speaking to my lonely, wounded soul. “I feel the same way.”

Even looks at me then. “What are the odds that two guys going through the same shot ended up meeting here?”

“Apparently the odds are high and I like that.” Isak admits with a small smile and then he lowers his gaze, lifting his knees up to his chest to hug them. “You’ll probably find out eventually anyway since you go to school here, so I might as well just tell you even if you might walk away from this conversation right after.”

“What’s so appalling that it might run me off?”

Isak swallows thickly and hesitates a little, toying with the thought that maybe he’s putting his foot in his mouth a bit here, that maybe he shouldn’t already be saying scary shit to the first real hot guy he’s met in so, so long.

It’s too late to take what he’s said back now though because Even is staring at him so expectantly with a spark of interest in his otherwise kind eyes.

“There are rumours going around in school that I’m gay.”

“So, are you?” Even asks without wasting a breath because he’s getting the feeling that Isak hasn’t received a lot of support lately. He’s not trying to do Isak any favours or anything. He just needs Isak to know that it _is_ okay to be gay and to love whoever the fuck he wants.

Isak silently stares at Even and licks his suddenly dry, slightly parted lips. “Yeah.” He admits with his heat in his throat.

“Cool.” Even replies, seemingly unbothered and then he goes on to shock Isak by adding. “I like boys. And girls.”

“You’re bisexual?”

“Pansexual. I think it’s well known around here among people who know me.”

“How did people find out?” Isak licks his suddenly dry lips.

Even shrugs. “I never tried to hide it.” Like everyone else Even has many fears, but he has never been afraid of coming out as pansexual.

“How come I’ve never seen you in school here?”

“I’m wondering the same thing about you. I guess this school is just that big. So these rumours about your sexuality; how did that start?”

“It’s so embarrassing.”

“I’m desperate for a laugh. Tell me.”

Isak wants to see what Even’s laugh looks and sounds like, so he willingly humiliates himself for Even’s amusement. “I accidentally gave my phone to someone before I got a chance to delete my browsing history on there.”

Even hisses, already knowing where the story is going. He’s just met Isak and it’s hard to determine the kind of person Isak is, but Even just can’t picture Isak being so careless. “Maybe it was just time for you to come out.”

“Maybe.” Isak chokes a bit as some of the smoke in his mouth goes down the wrong way.

“You okay?” Even peers at Isak with concern. “This isn’t your first time smoking, is it?”

After gathering his bearings, Isak grins. “Hardly.” He looks back up and finds Even looking right at him. Their gazes meet and neither of them is in a hurry to look away.

Isak shies away first, clearing his throat as he breaks eye contact. “What’s your story, Even?”

“Well, I transferred here a year ago after some shit happened at my old school. I have such an awful reputation there. My old friends barely speak to me till now.”

“What happened?”

Even takes a moment to carefully plan what he is going to say. Since Isak just shared something so personal with him, Even is a frightening level of naturally compelled to do the same; but he wants to tell this truth without exactly being upfront about the root cause of the debacle in question. “Let’s just say I misunderstood a signal.”

“I just told you the embarrassing story of how I accidentally came out of the closet. You owe me a lot more detail than just “misunderstood a signal’.” Isak curls his fingers into air quotes at the end there.

Even nods, momentarily rendered speechless by the smoke in his mouth. “I kissed one of my best friends.”

“So you liked him?”

“You can say that. I also knew that it was impossible between us, btu I wasn’t in my right mind when I kissed him.”

“Drunk?”

“No.”

“High?”

“You are getting warmer. Anyway that led to a huge falling out.”

“Just?”

“That wasn’t the only shit I pulled while I was….high.” Even smiles sadly. He wishes he could say more but for now this is all he can share about his past.

“You still feel guilty about what happened?”

“A lot. Makes it harder for me to get closer to my new friends. I keep fucking up.”

“So you come up here alone and just sit. That’s sad. Maybe you should stop smoking weed then.”

Even looks up to the cloudy sky and smiles to himself. Isak is right. Less alcohol and weed would do Even some good. Technically he shouldn’t be up here smoking when he’s on medication. The consequences could be devastating but Even can’t bring himself to care. What’s more is that If his parents found out that he’s smoking and drinking again, they would ground him for the rest of his life.

“You are right but that can only help me so much.”

“Then just do what makes you happy. What makes you happy, Even?”

Even hums in thought. “Freedom of the mind.”

“That’s deep…and totally cool.” Isak smiles and Even smiles back.

“You think so?”

“Yeah.”

Even thinks it’s the cutest thing how Isak keeps staring at him like he’s the coolest thing that’s ever roamed the earth. Even has barely scratched the surface of what his real problems are, so he can’t exactly say that sitting here talking to Isak is freeing or some cheesy shit like that; but the way Isak is looking at him- it’s very good for Even’s recently fragile self-confidence. Even now knows how good it feels to have someone who looks at you like you the most beautiful thing that exists. He’s always thought that those people in the romance novels he reads just exaggerate the feeling.

“What makes you happy?” Even asks Isak

“I want to like boys without feeling so damned conscious about it.”

“Your life is your own. You can do whatever the fuck you want with it. Living for reputation is a disease people ever get out of. If you don’t get ballsy enough to live how you want now, you’ll pretend and be miserable forever.”

Isak stares at Even in awe. It feels so dreamlike that he is in this unforeseen situation, gaining more confidence, encouragement and strength from a total stranger than he’s ever gained from anyone else in his entire life. “I don’t want to be miserable forever, Even.”

“Then go back to the party with your head held high and say ‘fuck it, I’ll suck all the cocks I want’.”

Isak laughs. “Is that what you did?”

“Close.”

“Come on, give me details.”

“The story involves a teacher, alcohol and a broom closet.” 

“You must tell me.”

“The story is also long.”

“I have all night.” _Because there is nowhere else I’d rather be._

Staying up here sharing silly stories with Isak is probably the sweetest distraction Even could ever have, so he decides that’s exactly what he’s going to do.

*************

“Let me get this straight. You met a guy up on the rooftop, you guys clicked or whatever and now you want to ask him out.” Magnus supplies while waving his fork around. It’s a habit of his to make hand gestures when he speaks. It’s a Monday afternoon and Isak is having lunch with his friends.

“Get his number.” Isak corrects the only glitch in Magnus’ theory.

Beside Magnus, Mahdi shakes his head doubtfully. “You like him. I can see it in your eyes.”

“I don’t like him.”

“It’s okay, man. You can admit it.” Jonas, who is sitting next to Isak, smilingly adds and pats Isak on the shoulder. “You’ve had a tough time recently coming out and all. It’s nice that you’ve met someone. Maybe that’ll get your mind off stuff.” Jonas’ mouth is still slightly ajar as he shrugs and it’s like he wants to say more but decides against it.

Isak nods and offers him a smile. “A distraction is certainly welcome.”

“It’s pretty ballsy of you planning to go look for this guy so you can get his number. All things considered.” Mahdi says

Isak’s eyebrows furrow. “So some people in school have hostile shit to say about my sexuality. That won’t make me any less gay. I’ve wallowed enough. At some point I have to continue living my life.”

“And we have your back, man.” Magnus grins

“Thanks, bro.”

“Need any one of us to go with you upstairs to see this Even guy?” Jonas asks

“I’ll pass this time. I’ll let you know when I need help.”

“Suit yourself. Good luck, bro. Let us know how it goes.”

“I’ll text the details.” Isak promises and psyches himself up despite the raging beating of his heart because of how crazy this idea might be.


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak kick starts his pursuit of Even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said i would update this every week on Fridays and that's how it will be but if i finish a chapter before then, i'll post it cause i have no reason to hold back. So here is chapter 2, a day earlier than promised. I hope it's to your liking<3

While his friends are sitting next to him chatting loudly, Even is lost to the world, resting his head on his desk, staring at the trees outside and enjoying the way the sun rays are touching the leaves. Lunch is almost over and Even is trying to cling to the last shred of peace before another period of boring lessons commences. That’s why he silently lets out an agonised sigh when someone suddenly pats his shoulder and interrupts his serenity. Very reluctantly, he lifts his head from his desk and looks up to find one of his friends, Mutta hovering over him.

“There someone looking for you.” Mutta says with a smile.

“Who?”

“Some guy. I don’t know him, but he says he knows you, so…” Mutta shrugs and sits back down at the desk he shares with their other friend Mikael.

Even looks at the classroom entrance and sees a boy standing there, casually leaning against the doorframe, and he recognises him immediately.

It’s Isak, the cute boy the boy from the rooftop. Even’s pulse starts racing as he gets up and makes his way to the door.

Even hasn’t been able to get Isak out of his mind since that night they met. It’s impossible not to think about a connection like that, a connection that had them both to conversing without pretence or inhibitions. In that moment they were in a perfect universe where it’s totally normal to tell a total stranger about your life and for that stranger to completely understand you, comfort you and give you hope.

It’s not a surprise that Isak is here. Honestly Even has been thinking of going to look for Isak himself.

Even didn’t share _everything_ about himself with Isak obviously, but he shared more than he has to anyone else in a long time, not even his parents or the therapist he’s been seeing for nearly two years now. Isak has this… pull, and Even is so captivated. Even knows Isak felt the chemistry too that night and that he’s here because he’s still feeling it. The connection between us isn’t the kind you ignore. It’s the kind that forces you to do something about it because it’s impossible to fight.

That’s why Even is both thrilled but also slightly terrified of exploring this connection with Isak.

The timing is just so fucking wrong thought. For starters Even just broke up with his girlfriend of many years and that relationship was super stressful near its end. For the past 5 months since the breakup, Even feels relieved and free not being in a romantic relationship, like he has one less thing to be anxious about. Since Even fell into depression, _everything_ stresses him.

And then he met Isak and talking to him made Even happy. Just being with Isak was nice. Even wouldn’t be feeling so anxious if meeting Isak were just another mere thing to go by. With Isak, Even felt something real. The kind of real that requires emotional investment that Even isn’t ready to put in.

Even doesn’t know Isak _that_ well yet, but based on the fact that Isak just came out and that he sort of implied he’s never been with a guy before, Even is certain that Isak is not the kind you have a fling with. Isak is not only at a delicate place in his life as a boy whose sexuality is under a lot of scrutiny wherever he goes, but he’s also sweet and funny and beautiful; and he deserves better than a guy who isn’t looking for anything serious.

And a fling is probably the best Even would be able to handle right now because things like commitment, serious, effort and communication are what he can’t handle right now.

As he goes to meet Isak at the door, there is both excitement and dread lancing in his chest. 

Isak feels some of his confidence start to crumble as Even approaches. Before long, Even is standing right in front of him.

“Hello.” Even says, leaning his shoulder against the doorframe. The depth of voice sends a rush coursing through Isak. 

“Hello.” Isak bashfully replies, hoping he doesn’t look as flustered as he feels on the inside. After spending days thinking and fantasising about Even, his eyes, his lips, his hands and generally how delectableness Even looked that night they met, Isak is amazed that the guy can look even hotter in broad day light. The tiny details that were hard to detect before under the poor lighting- such as the exact colour of Even’s eyes- are vivid now. Even’s eyes are the prettiest, most captivating shade of ocean blue. The only thing keeping Isak from getting lost in them is hi inability to look away from the tempting site of Even’s lips.

“You asked for me?” Even says with a playful smile, like he knows what he is doing to Isak’s senses.

“Yes. About time we meet again. You are one difficult person to find around school.”

“I haven’t been around here much this week.”

“That explains a lot. Do you have some free time later today?”

“Why?”

“I was hoping we could hang out again?”

The word ‘no’ is at the tip of Even’s tongue because that’s what he is recently used to saying in situations like this when people ask him to hang out. His mental and emotional problems have him feeling useless and lacklustre, weary; like he can’t possibly have any good cheer to bring people. So he avoids spending time with them altogether. That’s how he ended up on that rooftop alone that night he met Isak.

Even opens his mouth to give an answer but nothing comes out. He can’t get the word ‘no’ out passed the lump forming in his throat.

Isak’s heart sinks as Even continues silently staring at him with a rather visible reluctance in his eyes.

Even sees it, the disappointment in Isak’s eyes. It’s an ugly sight, and he wants it to go away, so maybe that’s why he ends up blurting out, “Do you like ice cream?” he offers and feels something unfurl in his chest at how Isak’s face lit up.

“I do.”

“In that case, let’s meet at the ice cream place across the road after school. We can talk more then.” Maybe then can be just friends. Perhaps Even is overthinking the entire situation, he tells himself. Overthinking is a disease he suffers from a lot.

“Cool.”

“Give me your phone number. I’ll need it.” Isak smilingly hands his phone to Even who quickly enters his phone number and hands it back. “See you later.”

“Bye.” Even says and watches Isak go.

Back at his desk, his friends hound him with questions of course; because they are surprised Even has a friend they don’t know about.

“Okay, spill.” Mikael tells Even.

“There is nothing to spill. He’s a second year named Isak. We met on Saturday at the party.”

Yousef- the fourth person in the squad- does some weird cooing with a greasy grin on his face which earns him an odd look from Even. “You like him. I can tell.”

“I don’t like him like that. At least not yet.”

“But you will obviously.” Mutta says. “He’s cute by the way. And hot at the same time. It’s a rare combo. I like.” He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively.

Even laughs lightly, shaking his head. “You are so thirsty, man.”

“That I am. Can I have him?”

“No.” Even says, probably too quickly, and with a stern frown too.

All three of his friends smirk knowingly at him before Mikael says. “So you do like him. Go for it.”

“I’m not sure now is a good time.”

“Well you need something.” Mutta reasons. “You don’t have to date the kid, but it doesn’t hurt to hang out.”

“Yeah. A new friend could be what you need right now. You can’t forever avoid meeting people.” Yousef says, and then with a huge, teasing grin he adds. “How are you going to meet _the one_ if you keep hiding?”

Even rolls his eyes at Yousef but it’s not in a malicious. By now he’s used to getting teased by his friends for being a cheesy romantic at heart.

“Also-” Mutta gives Even a pointed look. “Despite what you think, it’s not too soon to move on from Sonja.”

Mikael nods and then asks. “So what did Isak want?”

“He invited me out for ice-cream.”

“Sounds harmless. You should go.”

Even decides that to be honest with his friends is the only way he can get them to understand him and advice accordingly. After all they all know that he is bipolar. “I just don’t want to start something then end up not following through. You guys know how it is.”

Mutta, Yousef and Mikael all look at each other sullenly. And for a second Even is reminded of how much he hates how he’s always the one bringing the mood down in the squad.

Mikael’s gaze comes back to Even’s. “Don’t walk into something expecting and fearing the worst. I know being positive is hard for you, but take it a day at a time. Maybe Isak just wants to hang out. Chill out, okay?”

Even nods and manages a small smile as that calms his nerves an anxiety a bit.

*********

Even is already at the ice cream place when Isak gets there, sitting alone at a table somewhere in the back, drinking a soda.

“Hi.” Isak says, shrugging his backpack off his shoulders.

Even looks up. “Hey.”

Isak puts his bag on the table. “Have you waited long?”

“No. I wanted to order but I don’t know what you like, so I decided to wait.”

“Smart choice since I’m buying anyway.”

“I don’t mind paying for my own ice cream.”

“That’s nice to know but for now I’d like to spoil you by buying you some cheap ice cream.”

Even laughs. “You are setting the bar really low. I guess I won’t feel bad about buying you plain fries the next time we hang out.” It comes out before Even can stop to think of the implication of what he just said. Now he almost regrets being so presumptuous. The only reason why the regret doesn’t actually set in and make a home in his chest is because the huge, pleased smile on Isak’s face is a very soothing distraction. 

“I like plain fries.” Isak says and then inclines his head in the direction of the counter. “Let’s go get our dessert.”

********

“I’m so not surprised that you are a chocolate and vanilla type of guy.” Even tells Isak. They are back at their table, sitting across each other and digging into their frozen desserts.

“How is that?” Isak mutters around a bite.

“It’s fitting for someone cute like yourself.” Seriously Even isn’t trying to be charming or cheesy. The words are just flowing out of him like it’s the most natural thing. Even wonders how Isak just seems to effortlessly pull words out of him.

Isak’s feels heat rise to his face despite how cold the insides of his cheeks are from the ice cream. “You think I’m cute?”

“Don’t tell me no one has ever told you that.”

“Oh I’ve definitely been told that, but at this particular moment I’m more interested in your opinion.”

Even sniles. “Yes, Isak, I think you are super cute.”

Isak grins, the curve of his lips managing to look smug and shy at the same time. Even thinks the gaps in Isak’s teeth are most charming. He can’t look away. It’s a wonder how he didn’t notice when they spoke before. “That makes two incredibly attractive people sitting at this table.” Isak says

“That’s awfully cocky of you.”

“I just said you are attractive, Even.”

“I know what you said and thank you, but I still think you are very cocky.

Isak dotingly rolls his eyes. “Take a compliment, dude. Damn.”

Even laughs at that.

They fall silent thereafter. Isak steals glances at Even every now and again and sometimes Even catches him, forcing Isak to quickly and shyly look away. Isak swears that he sees a fleeting amused smile on Even’s face, like he’s enjoying getting Isak all flustered.

“So where were you this past week?.” Isak asks to elicit some conversation.

What’s left of the faint smile on Even’s lips slips and Isak finds himself wondering what he’s said that’s so wrong, why Even suddenly looks so serious. “I can ask you that, right?” Isak tentatively adds.

Even was already on edge the first question and the second makes him only stiffen some more. It’s not like Isak is prying into Even’s business or demanding answers, so really Even should feel more relaxed about this line of enquiry. But because he always so conscious about the amount of personal time he takes to get away from life, and how that time away impacts his social life, he is already getting a little prickly even before Isak has really done or said anything.

“I was…I had some stuff to do.”

“At home?”

“Yeah.”

Isak considers this and then simply shrugs. “Cool.” Just like that he goes back to eating his ice cream, leaving Even surprised and rather relieved.

Even takes a moment to gather his wits and then asks, “How about you? How are things? The gossip and stuff?”

“Since the truth is already out there, I’ve decided to try and chill about it. I took your advice. I’m going to live and love how I want.”

“That’s nice.” Even smiles.

With is heart racing madly, Isak adds, “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Then date me.”

Even feels himself freeze and he gazes wide-eyed at Isak whose equally wide eyes indicate that what he just said affects him as much as it does Even.

Isak refuses to let his confidence waver in spite of how stunned and perturbed Even looks right now. “I’ve liked you since that night on the rooftop. You can’t tell me you didn’t feel anything.”

Even remains tight-lipped because God forbid he admits that he likes Isak and gives him false hope. Damn it Even knew this would happen no matter how many times he told himself today that he was overthinking things.

The thought of dating makes Even get this panicky and uneasy feeling like there suddenly isn’t enough oxygen surrounding him so obviously he should just say no. But he can’t get the word out and his mouth keeps opening and closing like a fucking fish as he struggles.

Again Even’s silence speaks volumes and so does the alarm and dread written across on his face. There is a betraying feeling of disappointment deep in Isak’s gut but he tries hard to ignore it because all hope isn’t lost here. It’s blatantly obvious right now that Even isn’t interested in dating him and that sucks but it doesn’t mean Isak can’t try to chase after him. This only means that Isak will have to work a little harder to get what he wants.

Isak has created strong bonds with other people before such as his best friend Jonas who has stuck by Isak in during the lowest points in Isak’s life. Jonas knows a lot of stuff about Isak that no one else does and they have a special kind of bond, loyalty and respect because of that.

This thing with Even different though. Isak feels a deeper, soul connection with Even. With no inhibitions at all, Isak really poured out his heart to Even that night in a way he never has with anyone else in his life. And Even listened, laughed with Isak, comforted him, have him hope of a better tomorrow. Even gave Isak the courage to live as who he is despite what anyone thinks.

There is something special between them and Isak won’t stop until he’s explored what it is, until he’s tasted Even’s lips and learned what they feel like against his. He’s certain Even’s lips taste divine.

“Are you seeing someone else?” Isak asks

“Not at present, but-”

“Then there is no reason why we can’t be together.”

“I just got out of a relationship very recently.”

“How recent?”

“About 5 months ago.”

“That’s not too recent. Here I was thinking you’d say a month ago or something. If you feel you are not ready yet or whatever, we’ll take things slow. I can be a sweet guy like that.”

Even finds himself laughing at that. “I don’t doubt how sweet you can be, but what if I’m not attracted to you?”

Isak lets out a chuckle like that’s the silliest thing he’s heard all day. “ _I know_ you like me. You are here with me now, aren’t you? Right from the moment I asked you to hang out with me earlier, you were reluctant about it. I could tell. Yet here you are now.”

Even can’t decide whether to be impressed or intimidated by Isak’s confidence and ability to read Even so well. Isak seems more in tune with Even’s feelings for him than Even is about his own feelings for Isak. It’s certainly refreshing though. Plus Isak has a point- Even did show up here despite how reluctant he feels about social interactions lately.

Once more Even’s silence does the talking for him. Isak senses that perhaps he’s coming on a bit too strong, so he backtracks for Even’s benefit. “You don’t have to give me an answer now. I’m fine as long as we get to hang out. Is that cool?” Isak’s eyes are wide with hope.

That really takes a huge load off Even’s chest. Until he can get his shit together, just hanging out would be nice. Isak is great and Even doesn’t want to lose him for any possible reason, especially if that reason has to do with Even’s own shortcomings.

“That’s cool.” Even finally says

Isak smiles so bright and Even is certain way that makes Even fee like he’s made the right choice.


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even is still very hesitant, Isak is still very eager but somehow they end up spending time at Isak's house, talking. For now It would seem they are growing closer.

By the weekend that follows, Even is already regretting his choice to start hanging out with Isak. They’ve barely started and Even is feeling stressed about it already.

He is lying in bed on Saturday afternoon, thinking of what excuses to give Isak for why they can’t hang out this weekend.

Isak made things pretty simple when he said they can simply be friends, yet Even still finds himself falling into the same spiral of guilt and self-loathing for blowing Isak off.

 _Let’s go for pizza this afternoon,_ Isak texted a few minutes ago and Even has been staring at it for maybe 20 minutes now.

Today isn’t necessarily an awful day for Even. In fact it’s better than most he’s had recently. He’s just not in the mood to go out. His mum and his therapist would probably tell him that it’s normal for everyone to feel this way sometimes, so Even is trying to be okay with it, but his mind won’t let up with the negative thoughts. 

He can’t help thinking that he could be better still, that he sucks for lying, that he should be trying harder for Isak who just simply wants to have pizza together.

Even as he settles for an excuse and starts typing, Even feels awful about it.

_I’m helping my mum with some gardening today. Sorry._

It’s as if Isak is just sitting and waiting for Even to text back. His reply is frighteningly instantaneous.

**Isak:** _Tomorrow then? We could go to the park. Do you like the park?_

**Even:** _I’ll most likely be out of town tomorrow,_ Even types, _let’s hang out some other time._

**Isak:** _That sucks. Let me know when you are not busy_

**Even:** _I will_

Apart from all the guilt that Even feels about lying to Isak, and how regretful he is that he can’t bring himself to get up today and go hang out with a cool boy, Even is also slightly relieved that that’s over with. He can now stay in bed in peace.

*********

As the world would have it- since the world tends to shit on Even a lot- He bumps into Isak at the supermarket on Sunday afternoon while he’s out looking to buy an adapter for his phone. Even begged his mum to do this errand for him but she insisted that the fresh air would do him some good.

Now this is happening and, what are the fucking odds?! Even can’t even turn around and walk away now because Isak has already seen him in the middle of peanut butter and jelly isle. All this is Even’s own fault for swinging by there to grab his favourite brand since he’s about to run out.

For all the shock, embarrassment and nervousness Even is feeling Isak seeing him here when he’s supposedly supposed out of town today, Isak looks quite happy to see Even

There is a lady beside Isak, picking things off the shelves while Isak pushes the shopping cart. Isak has a subtle resemblance to the women, so Even assumes that his mum.

Even takes a deep breath and walks towards them because apparently he can’t run away from all his problems.

“HI.” He says once he’s standing right in front of Isak.

The lady he assumes is Isak’s mum also turns around, looking curiously at Even. She has Isak’s nose and green, deep set eyes. Definitely Isak’s mother.

“Hey.” Isak replies. “Back from out of town already? Or on your way out?”

Even decides against any more exaggerated lies, “The trip got cancelled.” It’s another lie, but the simplest one. Much to Even’s surprise, Isak accepts that with amazing ease. Even supposes Isak has no reason yet to think Even is lying.

“I don’t know about you but that’s great news for me.” Isak grins and then appears to realise that he’s not alone.

He looks at his mother and says, “Mum, this is my friend Even.”

“Hello, Even. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Isak’s mother says with a smile, extending her hand.

“Hi.” Even replies, accepting her hand and shaking it briefly. “It’s nice to meet you too, Ma’am.”

“Call me Marianne.” She gently corrects and pauses to look at Isak then back at me. “Are you in a hurry, Even.”

“No. Why?”

“Then I’m sure you two don’t want me here. You don’t mind helping Isak finish up here, do you Even?”

"I don’t mind, but you don't have to go, Marianne." Even says with simply the most charming smile Isak has ever seen. Being charming doesn't seem to be a problem for Even seeing as he has an easy going way about him with parent figures as well. Isak witnesses more evidence of this as his mum and Even continue talking.

"No need to be so polite. I'm sure you don't want boring adult conversation."

"I wouldn’t be bored at all talking to you. Isak tells me that you love poetry. I'm an avid fan as well. Perhaps we can talk about that?"

Isak remember telling Even about his mother’s love for poetry, or that Even can remember that. Goodness, what else did they talk about that night that Isak doesn’t remember?

Marianne grins with a glint in her eye. "You love poetry? Well that's not surprising. You seem like the type."

"Does that mean you'll stay and chat with us?"

"The invitation is sweet and all but not today. I have a book club meeting to rush to. I will, however, invite you over to our house some time and then we can really trade poetry stories. Is that okay?"

"Sounds perfect. Your cooking should be a delightful addition to great conversation. I'll look forward to it."

Marianne turns to her son, all smiles and whispers. "Your new friend is so precious." She doesn’t say it quietly enough however, so Even catches it and grins. "Let's invite him to dinner soon. I'll leave you two now. You’ll be fine, won’t you?"

Isak nods and his mother leaves after handing him her credit card.

Even watches her go and when he turns his attention back to Isak, he finds Isak staring at him with a surprised smile and a pair of raised eyebrows. "What?" Even asks

"Apart from charming parents, are you hiding any other special skills I should know about?"

Even smiles brightly, in a way Isak hasn't seen him do since the night they met. He gets the sinking feeling that it's not something that happens often, so he takes a moment to relish in it. If only he could take a picture.

"I guess you'll find out."

"I’ll look forward to that. So, what are you looking for in this isle?”

“PB and J.”

“Okay let’s grab that and then strike off the rest of this list my mum has left me with. I believe most of the items on it are already in the cart.” 

“Cool.”

“Hey, do you want to hang out at my place after this?”

The hope and eagerness on Isak’s face makes it literally impossible for Even to say no. “Just at your house?”

“Yeah.”

Even would much rather be alone right now, but hanging out at home sure sounds a whole lot better than going to another public place after this. It also helps knowing that spending time with Isak has never been horrible.

********* 

Isak lets out a dramatic sigh of relief when they enter his house. Right from the door through the short hallway to the living area, Even looks around and takes in Isak’s home. As they walk passed the living area to the kitchen, Even takes notice of a few things like the framed family photos on the walls, the Christian church accessories for worship and a few visibly old toys carefully placed atop the TV and the bookshelf. Even smiles, assuming the toys must have belonged to Isak and have been kept over the years for their sentimental value.

The house is humble, clean, welcoming and very homey- the kind of place that warms hearts. “Your house is very nice.” Even tells Isak

“Thanks.” Isak says over his shoulder. “I’ll let mum know you said that since she’s your new bestie now and all.”

Even can’t see Isak’s face but he knows there is a smirk on there.

They proceed into the kitchen to put the groceries away and afterwards Isak grabs two sodas for them before leading Even back to the living area to sit down.

“What do you wanna do?” Isak asks as they sip on their drinks.

Even shrugs a shoulder. “I’m easy.”

Isak smirks and lifts an eyebrow at Even. “I wish.”

Even just smiles back, knowing exactly what Isak is implying.

They move to Isak’s room and Even is surprised to find that the space is rather plain. He’s not sure what he expected but it’s not plain cream white walls, a queen-sized bed in the centre of the room and a desk and chair to the left side of the bed. There is a desktop computer on the desk, a stray snapback, earphones and 2 a game console. The bed is not made and there a few things like text books and clothes lying around on the carpeted floor but nothing that particularly gives Isak away. The only thing Even can deduce from what he’s seeing is that Isak likes computer games. Even’s own bedroom has a lot of character and so do all of his friends’ bedroom. This is the first time he’s seeing a bedroom that has no voice. He supposes that’s part of what makes Isak unique as a person.

Isak makes quick work of straightening up his bed for them to sit on. They play FIFA for a little over an hour and its fun for Isak but probably not so much so for Even who has lost every game since they started.

“Are you taking it easy on me because you think I’m cute?” Isak asks out of nowhere

Even tears his gaze away from the screen to gape at Isak. “What?” he chuckles.

Isak looks at Even with a playful little smile. “What else am I supposed to think? No one sucks as much as you do at FIFA.”

“So I’m bad at FIFA. Big deal. There must be a game you are not good at.”

“Maybe in another universe. In this one, I’m badass at pretty much any game you throw in front of me.”

“What other universe?”

“A parallel universe.” Isak explains simply and then Even falls silent, just blinking slowly at Isak. Recognising the questions flying about in Even’s head, Isak pauses the game and turns towards Even. “We don’t exist only in one universe. I believe there are parallel universes in which other Isaks exist but with tiny differences in the details like the colour of my bedroom curtains or whatever.”

Even’s gaze darts to Isak’s blue curtains and back to Isak. “So in another universe there is another Isak with yellow bedroom curtains?”

“I think so.”

“That’s….interesting.” Even tries not to sound as unconvinced as he feels because judging by how serious Isak is as he explains that logic, Even takes it that it’s a theory Isak is passionate about.

Isak, however is too smart for his own good, so he catches on pretty quickly. “What do you believe in then?” he asks.

“Well….” Even stops to carefully choose his wording. Since Even literally just trampled Isak’s logic, it’s only expected that he makes a great argument. “I believe that everyone is the director of their own life. Like, I have the power to change my own life, make decisions for it and take it in the direction I want it to go.”

Isak wrinkles his nose and shakes his head. “I don’t buy it.”

“No?”

“No. I think my logic is more sensible. I mean if I have so much control over the direction of my own life, then why do I often feel helpless when shitty stuff I don’t want keeps happening?”

“You need to have a solid and strong grasp on your life and know what you want every step of the way. The moment you lose track of your purpose, you lose control.”

“You are really hot, so for your sake I’m trying to grasp that concept, but it’s just not happening.” Isak shakes his head but he has the audacity to look apologetic and regretful about it to Even’s amusement.

“It’s okay if you don’t agree with me. I don’t agree with you either.”

Isak laughs. “But you have to admit my concept is more sensible.”

“Stop talking Isak.” Even replies without a single trace of bite in his tone of voice.

“In another universe you totally agree with me.”

Even fondly rolls his eyes and picks up his soda to take a sip. “Maybe.”

Satisfied with that answer, Isak grins and settles back into the game, pressing play.

“We just disagreed with each other completely and somehow ended on an amicable note. I’m impressed.” Even points out, getting laugh out Of them both.

“I know, right? We are so cool.”

This time Isak actually goes easy on Even to help him bag a win but it doesn't take. Sadly Even really just sucks at FIFA. That is why Isak eventually puts the gaming to rest and suggests they watch those horror films Even suggested earlier.

"It’s okay if you want to play more." Even says

"Stop being so nice. Let's do something else." Isak sits up and raises his arms to stretch out his aching muscles from all the sitting.

Even doesn't intend to but he just so happens to catch the moment when the hem of Isak's t-shirt rises slightly to expose the porcelain skin beneath. The sight has his heart rate speeding up and he looks away quickly, swallowing thickly. “How about a movie?” he suggests.

“We could go and look for something on TV. What movies do you like?”

“I’m not picky.”

*********

After browsing through several cable channels, they stumble upon some horror film. Even takes one look at it and comments on how low-budget it looks. This puts a smile on Isak’s face and that’s how they end up watching the film; because Isak wants to hear more about what Even has to say about the film.

And more he gets. Even practically tears the movie to shreds with his criticism. They aren’t even more than 20 minutes into the film. Isak can’t stop laughing and maybe the sound of that laughter is the reason why Even keeps talking. He wants to see and hear more of it. That night they met up on the rooftop, Isak seemed so sad and lonely somehow, super guarded. Even doesn’t know if Isak is this jolly with anyone else but he lets himself selfishly toy with the idea that Isak is only ever this happy when Even is around.

Just sitting on Isak’s couch next to him and making him laugh is a pretty decent way to spend a Sunday evening. It’s better than anything Even does on his own at home on Sunday evenings. Even is sort of glad he fought his anxieties to come here.

About an hour into the movie, Isak has curled up into himself on the couch next to Even. More than the film playing, Even is quite enjoying how child-like and adorable Isak is being squirming at an average horror film. The way Isak carries himself all cool and suave at school, Even can't believe there is this side to him.

While hugging his knees to his chest, Isak's gaze is glued to the TV, with a scowl on his face and his lips slightly parted in concentration. Even is mesmerised. It’s possible he is imaging things but he could swear Isak is moving closer and closer to him with each passing minute.

Even taps Isak on the shoulder and Isak jumps, making Even laugh.

Isak's frown deepens are he stares at Even all scandalised. "What is it?"

"You alright?" Even asks

"Yes. I'm good."

"Doesn’t seem that way."

"You startled me." Isak haughtily defends himself, a little too shy to admit that the fucking horror film has him rattled.

"Sorry."

"You don't seem sorry."

"Maybe I'm not." Even admits. "It's a delightful sight...seeing you scared."

Isak looks away and bites his lip so that his smile doesn't show. He’s not sure there is a way of concealing the pink rising on his cheeks though.

Even scoots closer to Isak on the couch and wraps his arm around Isak's shoulders. "Better?"

Isak almost can't speak because of the hard his heart is racing. With a little struggle, he meets Even gaze again and nods. "Much."

Even feels butterflies fluttering their wings in his belly. It's a feeling he hasn't had in a while and it's scary because he knows that he might have to take responsibility later for all these fluffy feelings he's having, for making Isak blush so prettily.

But for now in this simple moment, he leans his temple against the top of Isak's head and selfishly lets himself enjoy the attention he is getting from a handsome boy who is totally out of his league.

Taking Even totally by surprise, Isak moves closer to Even and curls his arm around Even’s waist, practically nestling into Even’s side and resting his head on Even’s shoulder.

Even’s heart speeds up not in a bad way, but in a good and familiar way. The way it beats when he’s falling for someone. The feeling once brought him joy. Now it brings him more fear then joy. There is joy still, and that’ why Even is sitting here not moving, enjoying Isak’s company even if no one is speaking; enjoying the warm weight of Isak’s body pressed against him. 

“We are cuddling now? I think you are being too friendly.” Teases Even.

Isak smiles, pressing his nose against Even’s shoulder just to smell him. Even always smells like lavender fabric softener. Isak has come to find the smell oddly soothing. “Throw me a bone for all the patience I’m practicing waiting for you.”

“Waiting?”

“I’m waiting for a time when I can kiss the hell out of you. I promise you’ll like it.”

Even chuckles. “And yourself?”

“I’ll definitely like it.”

“Are you that good of a kisser?”

“So I’ve been told.”

“What if I’m a bad kisser?”

“With those lips? I doubt it.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence.” Even says, laughing. 

“Besides, we’ll both like it because we like each other.”


	4. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liking Even is about to become like a roller coaster for Isak and the evidence of that is starting to show. Also, Even meets more people in Isak's life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alongside chapter 4s of this story and "beautiful blue-eyed blast from the past", I've posted a fluffy evak drabble called "beers over flowers". Please go and support it. Thank you again for all the love and dedication you guys are showing my stories<3

Isak and his friends walk into _Mud_ dinner a few days later to grab some lunch and he’s pleasantly surprised to see Even there, sitting alone at a table by the window. Since that day they spent hanging out at Isak’s place, they’ve almost entirely not communicated. Isak tried to text but Even’s replies were all mighty…short and very far in between. Isak doesn’t want to use words like dismissive and curt even though Even’s texts sort of felt that way. For the sake of his own peace of mind he’d rather conclude that Even is just bad at texting and that he’s bad at keeping a conversation flowing smoothly over the phone.

Even hasn’t really been seen around school either. Isak thought he was the only one that’s recently lost sight of him, but then Jonas mentioned it as well one random day in class when he asked Isak whether Even still goes to their school at all.

Apparently Magnus is just as quick to spot Even as Isak is. “Hey, bro, isn’t that your bae over there?”

Mahdi makes a gagging sound because he really hates the word ‘bae’ as does Isak.

“It is.” Isak replies as Jonas and Mahdi crane their necks to see. “You guys go and find a table for us. I’ll say hi to Even then join you later.”

“Right. Like you’ll be returning to us when your sweetheart is right there. Mahdi rolls his eyes, laughing. “See you at school after lunch.” He pats Isak on the shoulder and walks away, Jonas and Magnus in tow with twin grins on their faces.

Isak flips them off despite how pink his cheeks are with embarrassment. Turning towards Even, he takes a deep breath and walks over to his table.

Even feels a presence hovering over him and he looks up from his phone to find Isak standing before them.

“Hi.” Isak says with a smile.

Even’s heart lurches and not in a good way. Dread is already spreading in his belly. “Hi.” He quietly mutters back

“Are you alone here?”

“Yeah.”

“May I sit?”

“I actually want to be alone…right now.” Even blurts out and then goes to clarify. “I came here to be alone.”

“Oh.” Isak murmurs, crushed. He frowns at the barely contained dismissive coldness he feels emanating from Even. _Is something wrong? Did I do something wrong?_ Isak wonders

Somewhere deep down Even feels bad seeing how mean he sounds, how dejected Isak looks, and he knows he’ll regret this later but at this moment what he feels the most is self-loathing, anger, a profound revulsion for people’s company and other dark shit.

Today is one of those days when Even’s misery is just clawing at him and no matter how hard he’s trying to, he can’t pull himself out that dark place. What’s the point of having people around anyway when the loneliness he feels never goes away?

“Okay then maybe we can hang out tomorrow?”

“Maybe.” Even says noncommittally and shrugs one shoulder

“Text me?”

“Sure.”

Isak stands awkwardly, staring at Even and hoping to see or hear something that will shed some light on whatever the fuck is going on here. For the life of him Isak can’t understand why Even is being so icy all of a sudden. Even just sits there staring back at Isak with no trace of remorse in his usually kind blue eyes. Isak knows Even doesn’t owe him anything since they just started hanging out and all, but damn. When it becomes obvious that Even won’t say any more. “Later then.” Isak offers a precarious smile and leaves, walking away quicker than is necessary.

His friends look surprised to see him back already when he joins them at their table.

“Even doesn’t want to hang out today.” Isak explains, taking his seat next to Mahdi.

Magnus peers over at Even. “Are you sure? He looks so lonely over there. Maybe he thinks we dong want to hang. Tell him we are cool. He can totally join us.”

Isak shakes his head vehemently. “Really, Mags. Let it go.”

“Are you okay, Issy? You’re scowling.” Jonas asks and this makes Magnus and Mahdi look at Isak as well. Isak tries to rearrange his facial expression under the scrutiny and forces a tiny smile.

“Yeah I’m cool. A little disappointed but I’m cool. Let’s order already. I’m starving.”

_Isak is very disappointed and he is not cool at all. He is so confused and so fucking hurt._

*********

Even is sitting alone again the next time Isak sees him, in the school library this time. That unpleasant thing that happened the last time they saw each other is still very fresh on Isak’s mind and he’s still slightly confused and wounded about it. He can’t understand why Even was so crass that day when they got along so well before. Once again for the sake of putting his own mind at ease, he’s concluded that Even was just having a bad day. Everyone has those from time to time.

That’s why Isak dares to go up to Even and say hello. 

“Hey.” Isak whispers once he’s standing next to Even who is hunched over at the desk, reading a book.

Even looks up and his eyes widen comically, startled to see Isak there. He’s so not ready to face Isak so soon after that disaster the last time they met. Even would rather mske for whatever available exit there is around here to avoid this uncomfortable moment; but then again he is a man now and he can’t run from all his problems, so he smiles at Isak as politely as possible, and invites him to sit down on the available seat across the table.

Isak is surprised by the invitation but it’s not unwelcome, so he takes it.

For a few seconds after Isak sits down, they stare silently at each other until it gets quite Awkward.

“Nice chat we are having.” Even whispers, laughing at quietly as he can since there are students sitting close by.

Isak allows himself to laugh and honestly it takes some of the edge off. “This is so awkward.”

Without wasting one more second, Even takes this opportunity to get some guilt off his chest. “I’m sorry about what happened at _mud_. I was having a bad day and that wasn’t your fault, so I shouldn’t have been such a dick to you.”

“You know I’ve never understood that.”

“What?”

“Why the expression of being a dick to someone is the same as being a jerk to someone. I think dicks are nice, wouldn’t you agree?”

Even chokes on air, so flabbergasted by Isak’s audacity.

Even’s reaction is what makes Isak really think about what he just said and he can’t believe he just offhandedly said something so awfully weird to Even. That’s the random stuff he should keep to himself if he hopes to get beyond just friendship with Even.

“That was-” Even begins but Isak cuts in

“Weird. Sorry.”

“True. I was going to say it’s true. Dicks are nice. I like dicks just fine.”

Considering he started this, Isak should be so cool about it but he’s blushing profusely instead and having a bit of a hard time making eye contact with Even. “Good to know. By the way, you are forgiven. Let’s just move on from that incident.”

“Thanks.” Even says, making sure the amount of gratitude he feels is poured into the one word. “Maybe we can hang out again later so that I can make it up to you?”

Isak grins. “Buy me a pizza and we are even.”

“Deal.”

“So why are you in the library alone at lunch?”

“I could ask you the same thing.”

“First of all I am almost never here. A friend sent me to get a book for her.”

“Did you find the book?”

“I haven’t looked yet. I saw you sitting here and made a detour.” Got distracted is a more accurate description of it, Isak is thinking.

“Need any help searching?”

“Not really. I’ll manage. What brings you here?”

“I’m studying for a physics test that’s this afternoon and it’s huge.”

“But why are you alone?”

“My friends love me, but even I can’t tear them away from food and their phones during lunch.”

“If they are so chill about this test, why aren’t you?”

“Because the test will be based on some shit I barely remember from first year.”

“What you call shit from first year is what I love the most. Physics is my baby.” Isak smiles because he loves to brag about things he can do well.

“Really?” Even’s eyebrows rise to his hairline as he lifts his elbows onto the desk and squishes his face in between his palms. Isak wants to coo at how cute Even is. “I think you just got a whole lot less cooler to me.”

“How come?” Isak laughingly asks

“I prefer chemistry.” Even says.

Isak scrunches his nose in distaste and the sight puts a smile to Even’s face.

“Physics is closer to mathematics, so it’s easier.”

“So you are one of those smartasses that likes to brag about how good they are at math.” Even wonders out loud and gets a shy smile from Isak.

“I do my best. For example I don’t use lunch breaks for last crams.” the shy smile on Isak’s face turns into a smirk.

Even playfully glares at him. “Well now I flat out dislike you.”

Isak laughs before adopting an actually serious expression again as he looks down at Even’s text book and the notebook beside it. “Do you need some help?”

“I have a better idea. You do my work for me while I relax and watch.” Even doesn’t mind reclining and just looking at how beautiful Isak is.

Isak shakes his head. “How will you learn then?”

“ugh you are no fun.” Even grimaces and straightens up in his seat with a dramatic sigh. “Fine, I’ll take what help you can offer.”

“Let’s get to it then. Lunch is almost over.”

********

“You guys didn’t give me an answer about the visit to Uncle Robin’s house this weekend.” Mahdi says to Magnus, Jonas and Isak as all four of them make their way out of the school premises after school.

Mahdi then watches various facial expressions flicker across his friends’ faces. All the expressions are mostly related to revulsion. “Do you guys not what to go?” Mahdi asks

“No offence, man, but your uncle is annoying.” Jonas replies.

“I know. That’s why I can’t go alone.”

“I still can’t get over the time he tricked us into building a bird house for his chickens.” Magnus says

Isak shakes his head. “I’m still disappointed that the money he promised us turned out to be one free fried chicken coupon. For all four of us.”

“The chicken was good though.” Jonas grins, recalling how much he enjoyed himself

Capitalising on the enthusiasm Jonas is showing, Mahdi goes in for the kill. “See? Something good came out of the whole thing. Maybe this time Uncle Robin will agree to buy us beer.”

“No can do, man. I have better things to do with my weekend.” Magnus says

“How is stalking Vilde any better?”

Magnus gasps, scandalised as he quickly looks around to make sure none of the people walking behind, in front or passed them is a friend of Vilde’s. Isak and Jonas burst out laughing at how hard Magnus is panicking. “You guys are all just awfully hell bent on making sure I never get laid, right?” Magnus complains

“A thirsty Magnus is fun to witness, wouldn’t you say guys?” Mahdi asks and gets affirmative answers from Jonas and Isak, much to Magnus’ vexation.

Isak is about to say something else when he suddenly spots Even standing by the gate, and halts so abruptly that Mahdi almost rams into him. “What the hell, bro.” Mahdi cries, narrowly veering just in time.

Jonas and Magnus stop too, looking curiously at Isak.

“Hey, what is it?” Jonas asks

“Even is over there. At the gate.”

3 pairs of very interested and very curious eyes turn towards the gate to look for Even.

“I think I see him.” Magnus is first to say. “Tall guy, blonde hair?”

“That’s him.” Isak confirms. “You guys act cool when we walk passed him, okay?”

“What do you mean, Issy? We are always cool.” Jonas grins, throwing his arm around Isak.

“Come along, guys. I want to meet Isak’s future husband.” Magnus says and takes off walking towards Even.

Isak groans, already suffering second hand embarrassment even before anything has happened. This is not going to end well.

Even’s gaze shifts to his left at random and he happens to spot Isak walking towards the gate with his friends. Even straightens up and corrects his posture, instantly compelled to impress. He’s been standing here for a little while now waiting for Isak. He could have texted but his phone battery died earlier at lunch thanks to Muta playing games on it.

As Isak and his friends walk up to Even, he smiles at them, trying not to seem as nervous and gingerly as he feels. Why the fuck he’s nervous about meeting a bunch of juniors, only God knows. Maybe it has a little to do with that fact that these aren’t just random juniors, but Isak’s friends. And Isak is special to Even.

“Hi, Even.” Isak says once all four of them are standing in front of Even. Even doesn’t miss how wide Isak’s eyes are or the way his lips are twitching their way into a tiny half smile. Isak is nervous too and Even wonders if that means he should be feeling more nervous then.

“Hi, Isak.”

“Are you waiting for someone?”

“Yeah. You.”

“Oh.” Isak’s heart momentarily stutters but before he can say anything more, Magnus steps in front of him and hugs Even. He actually fucking hugs Even and Oh God Isak wants to die.

Even stumbles back a bit, totally caught off guard by the haphazard affection he’s getting right now. It’s not unpleasant or anything, just surprising, so Even handles it pretty well. The hug is pretty quick and then the guy stands back at arm’s length, smiling so broadly at Even. “It’s so nice to meet Isak’s true love. You are so hotter than Isak described. I wonder why he would understate how good looking you are.” 

Even’s eyes widen in very amused shock as he looks at Isak who appears ready to pass out while his other two friends struggle to conceal their laughter behind the palms of their hands. “Thank you.” Even replies.

“Oh My God.” Isak groans and steps forward to shove Magnus aside. “Guys, this is Even. Even, these are my friends Mahdi”. He pauses to point at which friend that is, “and Jonas.”

“Hi guys.” Even says and goes in to give each of them a hand shake. “Pleasure to meet you.”

“It’s nice to meet you too, Even.” Mahdi says.

“Same here.” Jonas says.

Isak sighs and Even can tell he’s trying not to roll his eyes as he points at the guy who just hugged Even and says. “This is Magnus. He is random AF, but I promise he’s cool.”

Magnus nods with a proud expression on his face.

The laughter Even has been holding back just escapes him and suddenly everyone is laughing alone with him, even Isak .

“That’s chill. I like random.” Even says, and not just for anyone’s benefit. He really has no problem with Magnus…yet.

“Thank heavens for that since we can barely contain his enthusiasm.” The guy I now know as Jonas says.

“So far the rest of you haven’t negated what Magnus said about me being Isak’s true love.” Even says and Isak’s face reddens all the way to his ears as he friends resume hiding a bunch of grins behind their hands.

“That’s because we are all cool with it. “Magnus says. “You seem nice and I think I already approve. We should hang out and get closer, Even.”

“I’d like that very much.” Even replies

Isak face palms.

Mahdi walks up to Magnus and takes hold of his arms. “Even, I’m sure you and Isak have plans or whatever. We’ll just get out of your hair now.”

“I’m still meeting Even.” Magnus protests.

“No you are not.” Mahdi interrupts Magnus and then in a quitter tone of voice, he adds. “Unlike you, the rest of us aren’t trying to sabotage our chances of getting laid. Don’t ruin this for Issy.”

Mahdi doesn’t say it as quietly as hoped though, so Even catches it. Everyone does. Isak is officially so ready to live the rest of his life friendless.

“We’ll be seeing you around, Even.” An amused Jonas says and turns to Isak. “Later, bro.” 

“Bye, guys.” Isak says through gritted teeth and then he watches Mahdi and Jonas almost literally drag a reluctant Magnus away. He turns to Even and starts apologising right away but he’s interrupted when he finds Even laughing so hard.

Isak hasn’t seen him laughing like this since that night they met. Even’s big, toothy grin is more beautiful in broad daylight.

“Yep. Those are my friends.” Isak tilts his head to one side, smiling up at Even.

Even takes a few deep breathes to calm his laughter down. This is the hardest his sober self has laughed in months probably. His chest feels so full of warmth and joy because of this one moment. He might burst with gratitude to Isak giving him this piece of happiness, and for putting him at ease while meeting new people which is a rarity for Even these days. “Mine are worse and I’m never letting you meet them.” Even replies.

“It’s only fair that you introduce me.”

“The good news for you is that even if I try to hide you away from them, they will find you and introduce themselves. They are malicious like that.”

“Aww. I like them already.” Isak smirks.

Even shakes his head with a smile on his face, “They’ll like you. Come on then.”

“Where are we off to?”

“I’m buying you that pizza we talked about?”

“So soon?” Isak isn’t complaining, but he has to ask.

“The help you gave me came in very handy, so you better say yes to a free pizza while I’m feeling super grateful.”

“Then it’s a yes.” Isak says and they fall into step together in the direction Isak’s friends just went. “I’m happy that the test didn’t kick your ass.” 

“I think I need more help in the future. I have issues with keeping old information in my head.”

“I’d be happy to help.” Isak offers and Even gives him a surprised look. Pleasantly surprised at least.

“For a charge?”

“Not really.”

“Would you help me for free?”

“Sure.”

“You are so nice.”

Since Isak’s stupid friends already put his business out there, the sky is the limit with how honest he can be with Even. “Like my friends said, I’m trying to get laid.”

Even guffaws and Isak goes to clarify. “Just in case that isn’t clear, I mean get laid by you. After all you might be my true love.”

“You say Magnus is random, but you are the same.”

“I’m cooler than Magnus.”

“Not really, but you _are_ prettier.”


	5. Five

Isak and Even sit across each other at their table in the pizzeria. Even puts the pizza down on the table and opens it then he takes the soda Isak offers him. Isak watches as Even takes a piece of pizza out of the box and uses his fork to remove the pineapple slices on it. 

“Are you one of those weirdos that dislike pineapple pizza?” Isak asks Even

“You are the weirdo for liking pizza with pineapple on it.”

“We could have ordered something else. Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I’m spoiling you, remember?” Even calmly points out

“It’s not fun if you are having a hard time. Is pineapple pizza really that unbearable for you?”

“It’s not just the pizza. I don’t eat pineapples at all.” Even’s grimaces as he recalls throwing up every time he tried eating them. “All my memories of eating them are awful.”

“That’s it. I’m buying you another Pizza.” Isak declares and Even chuckles, looking at Isak like he’s being ridiculous.

“We won’t finish two pizzas, Isak.”

“What do you suggest we do then?”

“You actually seem more bothered about this than I am.”

“I probably am. You should love yourself more, Even.”

That hits Even harder than he expects and more than Isak probably realises. They are just a bunch of words people probably throw out at anyone all the time but for Even the words are deeply significant because loving himself is something he struggles a lot with.

While Even gets lost in thought, Isak explores the menu for what other types of pizza served here. “What do you like?” Isak is asking while skimming through the menu. “Mushrooms?” he peers over the menu at Even and smiles. “I hate mushrooms by the way. Just so you know.”

Isak’s light-heartedness is infectious, so Even finds himself smiling back. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“So, what will you have?”

“Anything with chicken and without pineapples on it will do.”

“Cool.” Isak closes and puts the menu down.

“What are we doing after we eat?”

“I’m fine with almost anything.” _As long as it’s with you_

“Should we visit the mall near here?”

“Sounds good.”

**********

For a little more than two hours, they walk around the mall, stopping at almost every store that has something of interest to either or both of them. They start with a men’s clothing and footwear store where they discover with much delight that they have the same taste in sneakers. Even also learns about Isak’s big love for snapbacks and hoodies. Even literally laughs out loud at how insulted Isak looks when Even doesn’t show the same enthusiasm. Next, they go on a tour in a number of video gaming gadget stores and spend too long talking about the amazing things they could do with certain awesome gadgets at their disposal. Even quite literally has to drag a very reluctant Isak out of the last game gadgets store and into a mobile phone shop. The good news is that Isak likes phones nearly as much as he loves video games.

After the mall, they walk to the children’s park right behind the mall and stop by the ice cream truck near there before finding themselves a couple of swings to sit on. At first they eat their ice cream in silence while watching people walk by with their kids, and then when their ice cream is finished, they slowly settle into conversation about practically everything and anything that comes to mind.

Isak is watching Even talk, laugh, frown and all of that, but he’s barely listening because he’s imagining how warm Even’s lips would feel against his.

Even suddenly stands up, surprising Isak out of his leering. Did Isak miss something while he wasn’t listening? What’s happening?

“I guess I’ll see later.” Even declares.

Isak jumps to his feet. “You are leaving?”

Even chuckles. “I just said that.”

Isak looks around, only now realising how dark it’s getting and how they are the only ones left in the park. He takes a step forward towards Even. “I had fun today. We should do it again soon.”

“I couldn’t agree more.”

Isak stares deep into Even’s ocean blue eyes and tentatively reaches up to cup Even’s cheek which is slowly turning red. Smiling at Even, he slowly leans in and gives Even’s lips a quick kiss.

Isak’s heart is racing when he pulls back but he does his best to maintain eye contact with Even.

Even is surprised by the peck on the lips definitely, but he’s certainly not repulsed by it. The very light, very short-lived kiss alone has emptied his brain of anything and everything else but the thought that he wants to kiss Isak some more. “That’s not fair. You stole that one without giving me a warning whatsoever.” Even feigns complaint.

“I think the stolen kiss is still lingering on my lips. This is your chance to take it back.”

Somewhere in the far back of Even’s mind, a tiny voice keeps telling him over and over, "Don't do this... don't do this." But the sound of his heart is beating so loudly that he can’t concentrate. It feels like it’s going to explode if he doesn’t kiss Isak right now.

So he kisses Isak, and the world instantly falls away. Isak’s arms reach up and wrap around Even’s neck, pulling him down slightly as he tilts his head to one side and deepens the kiss. Even slides his arms around Isak’s waist and pulls him closer. Isak sighs into the kiss because Even’s lips are somewhat dry but yes they are as wonderful as he imagined. There is a maddeningly addictive contrast between the dry texture of Even’s lips and the soft slide of his tongue against Isak’s.

They are both eager and thirsty for the taste of each other and they are literally chasing after it as they desperately savour the taste of each other’s lips and lick into each other’s mouths. At the same time the kiss is slow and soft, comforting in ways that Even can’t describe with words. His hand comes up and rests below her ear, his thumb caressing Isak’s cheek as their breaths mingle. Isak runs his hands down Even’s spine, pulling him closer still, until there is no space left between them; until he can feel the beating of Even’s heart against his chest.

When they break apart for air, Even rests his forehead against Isak’s as they both gather some much needed oxygen. Isak’s smirk tells Even _everythin_ g and Even smiles back, sinking into Isak’s hold.

“Wow.” Isak whispers

“Wow indeed.” Even whispers back

“I knew you were a great kisser.”

“You also said we’d both like kissing each other. Right you were. We should be friends though. First it was cuddles and now kisses?”

“We could be the kind of friends that cuddle and make out on a very regular basis. Whatever you like.”

**********

"I've decided to officially hit on Even, no holds barred." Isak announces to his friends on the way to school on Monday morning.

“Isn’t that what’s been going on?”

“I was only half confident then. Now I’m very certain that he’s the one.”

“There you go again saying cheesy shit like that abut Even now, but when I said it everyone freaked out.” Magnus complains.

“How would you feel if I went up to Vilde and told her about the number of sex positions you dream of trying out with her?”

Magnus gasps and throws his palm over his mouth. “I totally get it now.” he smiles sheepishly and apologetically then. “Sorry, bro.”

“We are good.” Isak and Magnus bump fists.  
"Are you sure you have the confidence to hit on a senior? I mean I noticed how flustered you were on Friday when we left you with Even at the gate." Mahdi asks

“That was only because I had to do damage control after Magnus said all that embarrassing stuff.”

Jonas laughs. “Again, I’m so sorry about that. At least we can cling to the fact that Even likes you.”

“I really think he does like me. We kinda… kissed on Friday.”

All of Isak’s friends instantly come to a standstill and gape at him with quite an array of facial expressions on their faces. Mahdi is appalled. Jonas looks a little surprised and also a little proud. Magnus is smirking like he’s dying to hear details.

“Oh My God, why didn’t you start this conversation with that?” Mahdi exclaims.

“I know right? I’d be more invested in this conversation.” Jonas adds, shaking his head. He pats Isak on the shoulder and wiggles his eyebrows. “So how was it?”

Until now Isak thought was incapable of losing his cool and blushing in front of his friends. Apparently he was wrong. His face must be various shades of red if the way his friends are snickering and cooing is anything to go by.

“That’s sweet, bro.” Magnus says. “Even looks like a good kisser, doesn’t he guys?” he looks at Jonas and Mahdi for affirmation and they both just give him an odd look before taking their attention back to Isak.

“If you guys kissed, why do you still have to chase after Even?” Mahdi asks. “I mean it’s so obvious that he likes you.”

“Do you guys really think so?” Isak asks, his confidence slipping for a second. 

“It’s so obvious. He met Magnus and didn’t ghost you immediately.” Mahdi rolls his eyes. “I don’t even know why you have to chase after him. I think you already got him.”

“Sometimes it feels that way and then other times it doesn’t.”

“What do you mean?” Jonas asks, looking confused.

“I can’t really explain it, but Even is sort of like…. hot and cold at once. We had fun hanging out last Friday but he didn’t reply to any of my texts over the weekend. Plus he insists that he’d rather be friends.”

“Are you sure he likes boys?” Mahdi asks

“He told me he’s pansexual.”

“What’s that?” Magnus asks

“He likes boys and girls.”

“Isn’t the word for that bisexual?” the wrinkle between Jonas’ eyebrows deepens in confusion.

“There is a difference.” Mahdi informs them and they both look expectantly at him for an explanation. “Well I don’t want to get into now. You guys can google that stuff later.”

Jonas rolls his eyes and turns back to Isak. “Hot or cold, you are so badass going after what you want like that, man. That's so fucking cool. I’m proud."  
One corner of Isak's lips tips up into a pompous little smirk as he throws his arm over Magnus' shoulder. "I'm available on weekends if you need tips on how to get laid. You can pay me in beer or food."  
"Okay Mr. Hotshot, I want to see you work your magic. By the way if you end up getting rejected, I _will_ laugh." Mahdi says  
"Watch and learn, boys." Isak winks at his friends.

**********

After school is finally over, Isak texts Even while walking out of class, asking if they can hang out. He doesn't get a reply though, so he decides to go to Even's homeroom to look for him. There are a good number of students walking out of Even’s homeroom when Isak gets there. He stands somewhere by the door, just out of the way, peering inside at every single person that’s stepping out.

“Hi.” Someone says behind Isak and he whips around to see who it is. The guy snaps his fingers and points at Isak as recognition appears to hit him. “I remember you. Isak, right? Even’s friend.”

“Yeah.” Isak smiles, just vaguely remembering the guy from the last time he came to Even’s homeroom. 

“You and I have got to stop meeting at the door like this every time.” The guy smiles.

“Sorry, I didn’t get your name last time.”

“call me Mutta.”

“It’s nice to meet you.” Isak extends his hand and Mutta accepts it.

“You too. are you looking for Even?”

“Yes.”   
"He didn't show today." Mutta tells Isak.  
"Is there a problem?" Isak asks because of course he wants to know.  
Mutta appears to hesitate saying anything and that only raises Isak's suspicions and concern. "Even is unwell right now but it's nothing too bad. He'll probably be back in a few days."

“Should I be worried?”

“No. Don’t be.”

Isak considers paying Even a visit at home to find out for himself how Even is doing, but then he realises he doesn’t have Even’s home address. “One more thing.” He rushes to say. “Could you tell me where Even lives? I’d like to go see him.”

Mutta hesitates and Isak would go as far as saying he looks quite uneasy all of a sudden. “Um…why don’t you text him and ask if you can visit him. He’ll give you the details.”

 _Why can’t you just tell me where Even lives?_ Isak wants to ask but thinks better of it and says something else instead. “I can’t reach him.”

“Then it’s probably not a good time for him to be in contact with people.”  
Isak just stares Mutta, unsure what to do or say next.  
Mutta seems consider Isak's silence as a signal for the end of this conversation, so be gives Isak a gentle pat on the shoulder. “If I do get in touch with him, I’ll let him know you are trying to reach him.” With that, Mutta walks away.  
On the way home, Isak tries to call Even and there is no answer. He sends another text, this time, asking Even if he’s doing alright, but again there is no reply. He sends one final text before giving up.

_Please just let me know if you are okay. I miss you_

*********

“Your honey just texted again.” Yousef announces and outs Even’s phone down.

Even’s friends have managed to get him out of bed to go and hang out with them at Mikael’s house. They are watching movies in Mikael’s bedroom and enjoying the two pizzas they just ordered. To be exact Even’s friends are doing the enjoying. Even can barely stomach the few bites he’s had. He’s still on his first slice.

Even and Yousef and lying side by side on Mikael’s bed while Mutta and Mikael are perched on the floor just beside the bed. Yousef is nudging Even’s every now and then, reminding him to eat.

Mutta slides his gaze away from the TV after hearing Yousef’s announcement. “See I told you that you can’t avoid him forever.” He tells Even.

Even picks up his phone and stares at the message on the screen with his heart beating rapidly in his throat.

“Especially not after you kissed him.” Mikael adds without looking away from the movie.

Even hates all this too. He hates being unwell and hurting himself as well as Isak in the process. He hates that he is missing so much of school; that he can’t have fun with his friends and that he is unintentionally ruining his chances with a great boy that actually likes him.

“I don’t want Isak to see me like this.” Even says.

Yousef considers the state Even is in- pale, too think, sunken eyes, hair mess and unwashed- and purses his lips. “I admit you don’t look your best and it’s kind of too early to let Isak in on all this heavy stuff.”

“The heavy stuff is a part of you though, man.” Mutta tries to reason. “You two obviously like each other now, so you can’t keep ignoring him. You have to do something. Throw the kid a bone.”

“I agree.” Mikael puts in. “All this stuff is a lot for you to handle but while you figure shit out, at least let him know that you are not dead.”

Yousef nods. “Yes. Text him back.” He pauses for a few beats. “Remember when you were afraid of telling us about your bipolar? You overcame that, told us and everything turned out okay. We are all still here for you. Isak might surprise you too.”

Even doesn’t disagree. He knows that Yousef is right but there is also a very insecure part of him that doesn’t want to take the risky plunge just yet.

“Is Sonja still texting you?” Mikael suddenly changes the subject.

Even hums in assent.

“What?” Mutta is surprised. “How come I don’t know about this? Why is Sonja texting Even?”

“She probably heard about Isak and realises her window of opportunity to work things out with Even is closing.”

“Does Even want to work things out?” Yousef asks, peering down at Even

Feeling the heavy weight of 3 pairs of eyes on him, Even shakes his head and mutters. “I’m done with all that. I’ve been talking to her for a few days now and she’s already trying to mother me with all that controlling shit. Do this, don’t do that.”

Mikael’s lips form an ‘o’ as realisation dawns upon him. “I guess that’s what has amplified your reluctance to tell Isak what’s up huh.”

“Yes.”

“I get it, but text the kid.” Mutta’s tone of voice takes on an emphatic quality. “You didn’t see him looking for you at school today. He is worried about you. He _needs_ to hear something from you. Anything.”

*********

At home Isak still can’t relax because he can’t shake off the feeling of loneliness, bereavement confusion and worry he feels.   
It’s quite late at night when Isak decides to retire, but before that he checks his messages one last time and finally, _finally_ he finds one from Even.  
His heart lurches from his chest into his throat as he rushes to open it. His hands are so jittery that he nearly drops the phone.  
He needs to calm the fuck down but he won't because he is in love and trying to be cool about it is a ship that sailed ages ago.  
  
 **Even: _I miss you too_**  
  
Isak’s mum is probably already asleep already, so he can’t exactly jump around without his mum wondering what the hell is going on. Instead, he resorts to shoving his face into his pillow and letting out a breathless laugh. He feels like a huge load has been lifted off his chest.

********

“Hanging out at your place is always a bit of a buzz kill, Issy. There is no booze to steal.” Says Mahdi

Isak has his friends over at his house to hang out on Wednesday afternoon. They are all sitting on the living room floor watching TV and eating a cream pie Isak’s mum left for them as well as some snacks. 

“Who cares about booze? Isak’s mum makes the best pies and that’s all I need.” Jonas replies as he puts a piece of pie into his mouth and sighs dreamily.

“Jonas, you are still like half in love with Isak’s mum, aren’t you.” Magnus chortles.

“I’m into sweet women. What can I say?” Jonas shrugs unapologetically.

Mahdi’s shoulders shake with laughter. “That has got to be uncomfortable for Isak.”

“Issy doesn’t mind, do you Issy?” Jonas asks but he doesn’t get answer.

“Issy?” Magnus nudges Isak with an elbow. “Earth to Issy.”

Isak can hear them alright. He can’t just muster the interest to join in the conversation. His mind is still reeling about the fact that Even hasn’t been in touch for 5 days now. Isak’s mind is about to go crazy with all sorts of assumptions. That one text Isak got on Monday night almost doesn’t count now. He got some joy and relief from it when it came, but that was very short lived.

With barely any enthusiasm, Isak looks at his friends. “Even still hasn’t texted me back since that once on Monday night.”

Magnus sighs and exchanges a look with Jonas before they both look back at Isak. “You are probably going to hate hearing this but maybe Even just isn’t that into you.” Magnus says

“That _does_ hurt.” Isak weakly mutters.

“Or maybe he is still sick.” Mahdi says with a casual shrug

“Still?” Jonas shakes his head doubtfully. “I’m starting to doubt that. By now he should have some strength to call or text Issy back. It’s not that hard.”

Mahdi reaches out to ruffle Isak’s hair. “Whatever the fuck is going on, try not to think so much about it. I’m starting to feel like Even doesn’t deserve all this trouble.”

“That’s the thing though.” Isak counters. “He _does deserve it_. He’s a really nice guy. And I like him.”

“This is turning into a sad AF soap opera.” Magnus complains

“It is.” Mahdi adds. “I said I'd laugh if Isak’s overconfident ass gets rejected, but this isn’t even funny at all.”

Jonas pulls Isak into a one armed hug. “Even can’t hide forever. He’ll turn up one day and we’ll demand an explanation. In the meantime, hang it there, bro.”

***********

“We could do our research on the internet, at your house maybe. Even mine if you like.” Isak says to Sana, trying for the umpteenth time to get out of going to the library as they make their way there. Isak hates the library but Sana insists that there is some very useful books there that they can use for their biology home work. It’s not exactly necessary for them to do their schoolwork together as friends but it certainly makes the work easier. That way Isak can quickly get his homework out of the way and spend the rest of his Thursday, gaming.

“Seriously, what’s your problem?” Sana asks, sparing Isak a quick glance as they turn a corner.

“The silence in the library is creepy and the air of competition stresses me.” Isak shamelessly complains and watches Sana’s face to gauge whether the complaining is working. It’s not working.

For the love of God why can’t Isak win one single argument with Sana?

“Is it ghosts you are afraid of in the library? I’ll try to vanquish them for you, okay?” Sana teases and Isak huffily scowls at her, something she seems to enjoy a lot.

They get to the library and to Isak’s huge surprise; he sees Even standing outside the door, just slightly to its left. As Isak walks up to Even, his mind empties completely of all thought except for Even. The only thing Isak can hear is the loud thudding of his heart.

Even sees Isak too, and he smiles. He fucking smiles and Isak’s already discombobulated brain gets washed blank with confusion

_What the hell?_


	6. Six

Isak and Sana finally come to a halt at the library door.

“Hi Sana, Isak.” Even greets them.

“Hi, Even.” Sana replies and Isak’s head whips towards her in shock. “You two know each other?”

“Yeah.” Sana nods, looking up at Even. Isak looks at Even and if he’s not mistaken, Even looks a little nervous and uncomfortable all of a sudden as he stares back at her.

“How?” Isak asks

Sana looks back at Isak. “Unlike you, I take part in a few school activities and clubs, so I get to know people.” she explains and Isak supposes that makes sense.

They all fall into a rather uncomfortable silence until Sana clears her throat and announces her departure, saying Isak will find her inside the library at their usual table. She sends Isak a very amused look and walks away.

“So, how are you doing?” Even says, shoving his hands in his jeans pockets. He still appears nervous. Isak also notices that Even’s face got slightly slimmer and his skin looks a little pale. Maybe he really was unwell and as worried as this makes Isak, he still can’t get over the fact that Even couldn’t send even one short text just to put Isak’s mind at ease.

“You just vanished off the face of the earth for days and I couldn’t reach you at all. Where have you been?” Isak sounds a lot calmer than he imagined he would when he saw Even again. He is impressed by his own coolness.

Even swallows thickly, searching his mind for a simple explanation he can reach for, but there is none. The whole situation he is in is complex and he isn’t sure that explaining all that heavy shit at the entrance of a public library is ideal. Maybe in a better place and time he would tell Isak the truth but not now. “I can’t really explain anything in a way you can understand.”

“In short you don’t want to explain.”

Even doesn’t say anything more and Isak sighs quietly. “Sure. Whatever. Just… a heads-up next time would be nice. I was really worried about you.” Isak offers a little half smile, letting his concern and care show as he pats Even on the arm. “It’s fine if you have some stuff to deal with. Just let me know that you need your space. I get it.”

Even is left stunned by Isak’s reaction. Perhaps a punch in the face is a stretch but he certainly expected Isak to be more upset. This turn of events sort of throws Even off kilter because he can’t be sure whether he feels bothered or relieved. “I’ll let you know next time. Really I’m sorry for ghosting you. Can I buy you a drink to apologise? By drink I mean a cup of coffee.”

Isak’s smile widens. “I need coffee. Are you busy in about 2 hours?”

Even ponders for a moment and runs his fingers through his hair, an action that Isak’s attention can’t help getting drawn to.

“I’m free. Better yet, why don’t you come to my place? We can hang out there if you want.”

Before Isak can reply, a group of loud guys step out of the library, claiming both Isak and Even’s attention. Isak recognises one of them right away. It’s Even’s friend, Mutta. Mutta and the two others stop when they see Even and Isak standing there. They all appear to recognise Even.

“Even, Isak.” Mutta acknowledges them both.

Even stares at his friends in horror as Mikael gives Even and Isak a look that Even knows only too well; a look that promises much mischief. Even is about to get embarrassed. A lot.

_Oh fuck!_

This cannot be happening right now. Even is so not ready for Isak to meet his idiot friends.

Apparently that ship has already sailed, so Even pushes his reservations aside and introduces Isak, Yousef and Mikael to each other.

“So this is Isak. Right away I can see why Even is smitten.” Yousef smirks with a devilish gleam in his eyes.

Mikael has the same look on his face as he replies, “Right? I‘m thinking the same thing right now.”

Isak flushes, flustered by the attention and compliments he’s getting.

“Guys, please. Isak doesn’t need to hear any of this.” A horrified Even says between clenched teeth.

Yousef laughs at Even’s expense, and extends his hand to Isak. “It’s nice to meet you, Isak.”

“It’s nice to meet you too.” Isak replies

“You are just as cute in real life as you are in Even’s drawings.” Mikael says

Isak’s widen and he looks questioningly at Even, who looks just about ready to die of mortification. “Drawings?” Isak asks

“Yeah. I saw some doodling of your face in Even’s sketchbook. He even put little hearts around you. It’s adorably embarrassing.”

Isak fucking melts on the inside. First of all, Even is artistic? That’s so fucking cool. Secondly, Even drew him with little hearts? That’s so damn sweet. If Even’s friends weren’t here right now, Isak would kiss Even so hard.

Meanwhile Even is silently praying for the ground to open up and swallow him. Suddenly He totally understands how Isak felt while Even met his friends. This is so embarrassing yet very expected. Seriously Even loves his friends to the moon and back, but they are good for very little else apart from embarrassing the shit out him whenever they can.

“We have to go.” Even announces because he has to get his friends out of here before they scare Isak away. “I’ll text you after school, Isak.”

“Promise?” Isak asks

“He can barely shut up about you. He’ll text.” Mikael answers on Even’s behalf.

“I’ll make sure he _does_ text you back.” Mutta tells Isak and then winks at him.

Even literally shoves his reluctant friends into motion.

After they’ve walked far away enough from Isak, Mutta, Youssef and Mikael burst into laughter, pointing at a flustered Even and how red his face is.

“You guys are a fucking menace.” Even complains sadly with much less bite than intended because that’s just how much he loves these idiots.

“Seriously though.” Mikael wheezes and then pauses to clear his throat. “I’m glad we met the famous Isak. He really is cute.”

“I told you.” Mutta replies.

“That poor kid has such a huge crush on you. Maybe you should tell him what’s really going on with you.” Yousef pints out.

“No way.” Mutta refutes the suggestion right away.

“Alright that’s that, but I assume you and Isak _will_ be getting together because you just can’t resist him, right?”

Mikael says in a sugary sweet voice, teasing Even who just rolls his eyes. Apparently that’s enough confirmation for Mikael. “I knew it’s some cheesy shit like that, knowing you.”

“Look, I know about where your head is at and another thing I know is that you need to get laid.” Mutta says. “Sex is great for morale. I think it’ll cheer you up.”

“Sex isn’t even at the table for me right now, Mutta.”

“That must suck. Sorry.” Yousef actually looks sympathetic.

“Isak is younger but he might actually understand your situation. I still think you won’t know unless you tell him what’s going on.” Mikael says

“You guys know what my relationship with Sonja was like. My illness became a reason for her to control me. Everything with us was cool at some point but eventually she was forced to stop being my girlfriend to tend to me, monitor everything I was doing, eating drinking….” Even trails off and pushes out a frustrated sigh. “It felt like hanging out with a nursemaid. That sucked.”

“That was Sonja though. Isak could be different.” Mikael tries to reason

“Maybe, but why did we have to meet when I’m a fucking mess? I don’t want this mess to be Isak’s first impression of me. I don’t want him to walk right into nursemaid mode after he witnesses me at my worst.”

“Maybe he won’t.” Yousef shrugs

“And maybe he will.” Mutta counters. “I get why Even dreads the whole idea of getting it on with Isak right now. “I read the texts Sonja sent Even recently and I get how it must suck being treated like a patient all the time.”

“More importantly, I’m kinda Isak’s first boyfriend and he’s just learning about relationships, working through his feelings, figuring out who he is. That’s all hard enough for a teenage boy who just recently came out to the public as gay. I don’t want to freak him out with all the heavy shit _I_ have going on.”

Mikael throws his arm across Even’s shoulders. “Your life is hard, but you are not alone, man. We are all literally here for you whenever you need us. Call or text, okay?”

Even’s lips curve into a tiny, knowing smile. “Okay.”

Apparently not satisfied, “Promise.” Yousef demands.

Even understands why his friends have to remind him that they are ever ready to support him. Whenever he’s lost in his own anguish, everything and everyone disappears and it’s just him and his lonely thoughts. There is close to nothing he can do to help the situation in those dark times when his mind condemns him for being a bad friend and son, when he is left with the nauseating guilt over the shit his illness put his friends and family through in the past. Even tries to involve his buddies, he really does. He knows they care. It’s just hard for him to pull himself away from his tortured mind long enough to remember that he has people to count on.

Still, he makes the promise because he wants to try and do better in the future for the sake of the friends he treasures so much. “I promise, guys.”

**********

Isak is totally blown away by how nice Even’s house is. It’s spacious, airy, so neat and so expensive-looking. It’s not like over-the-top or intimidating expensive-looking. Isak thinks it’s just a bit just bigger and cooler than his own house. The living has a huge TV and the carpet is so soft. Isak wonders how cool it would be to play video games on it. Even doesn’t dwell on showing Isak around, but rather invites him straight up to his bedroom.

Walking into Even’s room, Isak looks around and immediately takes interest in the vast array of drawings spread out across the walls. In light of what Even’s friend said earlier about Even having drawings of Isak, Isak goes to look at drawings on the wall out of interest and maybe in search of one of himself. Most of the pieces on the wall are just comedic storylines and skits featuring the same animal characters. Isak actually laughs at a lot of the jokes. Even is funny.

“These are cool. You are super talented.” Isak says when he turns his attention back to Even.

“Thanks. I do those in my spare time.”

“In my spare time I kick a muddy ball across a soccer field. Clearly I need a clean and cool hobby like yours.”

“Soccer is cool too and the players are always hot.”

Isak flushes. “I play for the school team. You should come watch me some time.”

“Sounds like something I’ll enjoy.” Even winks just for the purpose of deepening Isak’s blush. It works.

Isak clears his throat to gain some composure. “So, what do you want to do?”

Even shrugs. “Whatever.” All he knows is that He doesn’t want to be alone this afternoon and he really wants to make up for how shitty he has been to Isak lately.

“Cool.” Isak goes straight for Even’s bed and pushes some clothes aside before plopping down on it.

“Sorry for the mess. I haven’t been able to clean up lately.”

“I don’t mind.” Isak says honestly.

Even still does is best to pick some tuff up from the floor for the sake of restoring some decency to the place. In the process he grabs a joint and lights it then invites Isak to retire to the windowsill with him. It’s such a bad idea for Even to be smoking at all but he just doesn’t give a fuck right now.

They sit across each other and smoke in silence, sometimes staring out the window and other times exchanging glances and tiny, shy smiles.

Even gets up, walks up to Isak and finds his place in between Isak’s parted thighs. Even takes Isak’s face between the palms on his hands and covers Isak’s mouth with his in a hungry kiss. Isak didn’t realise how much he desperately needed to feel Even’s lips against his again until this very moment. As Even’s lips are connected to his, he feels like he’s floating on air.

Isak’s mouth was so warm; the caress of his lips softer than Even remembers and he opens his mouth with a low moan.

Just like that first time they kissed in the park, kissing Isak obliterates each and every one of Even’s thoughts. For now he is locked into the present. The worries of the day vanish and his usual mode of wallowing in misery is suspended. Even doesn’t want this kiss to end. He lowers his hands to linger on Isak’s waist, trailing lower to give Isak’s lean hips a gentle squeeze before moving back up and under Isak’s T-shirt to feel the perfect smooth softness of his pale skin.

Isak’s brain gets lit of fire and warmth spreads throughout his entire body. He is on fire everywhere Even is touching him and the feeling is so addicting. He holds on firmly to Even’s waist and pulls him closer yet, wanting more and more and more. This time he wants to have a memory of Even’s lips on his in case Even disappears on him again.

**********

“It’s a little quiet in here. Should we play some music?” Even whispers against Isak’s lips. They are not kissing anymore but there are still in each other’s arms, foreheads pressed against each other, staring into each other’s eyes.

“If you want.” Isak whispers back

“What do you listen to?”

“Not pop.”

Even laughs and reluctantly pulls away from Isak to go and play some music. “That’s really specific.”

“Pop music goes to shit pretty quickly. It’s impossible to listen to a pop song beyond 6 months after its release.”

Even nods. “I’ll have to agree with you there.”

“What music do you like?”

“90s hip hop. Are you familiar with any artists from the genre?”

Isak considers the option of being honest but for some reason he blurts out a lie. “Sure.” Maybe it’s because he wants Even to think he’s cool.

“Nice. Examples?”

“Um…Tupac.” Yes that’s a safe choice. At least Isak is certain of that one. Even cranes his neck to give Isak a huge grin over his shoulder.

“Apart from Tupac and Biggy.” Even grabs his phone and starts making a playlist.

Isak scowls. “Why are you quizzing me all of a sudden?” he grumbles and Even’s grin turns into a full, hearty laugh. One corner of Isak’s lips tips up into a small smile because Damn it Even is so beautiful when he laughs. The sound of it warms Isak’s heart. One thing Even hasn’t done a lot of since they met is laugh, and Isak is happy to provide some amusement for Even.

“Sounds like you don’t know much about 90s hip hop. That’s fine. I’ll introduce you to some artists if you want.”

“Cool.”

“So what music do you actually listen to?”

“Alternative and gospel rock.”

Even gives Isak a surprised look. “Gospel rock?”

“I grew up in the church. My mum is a serious Christian.”

“And yourself?”

“Not really, but once you spend a lot of time in a place, some stuff rubs off and grows on you. I picked up gospel rock.”

“What about your dad? Is he a Christian like your mum?”

“I wouldn’t know where he is at now. He has a whole other life going on. My parents are divorced.”

“Oh. I’m Sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“Does it suck having divorced parents?”

“Yes it does but mum and I are doing a lot better now. Not all days are bad.”

“That’s nice.” Even nods and finally turns the music on, making sure the volume is a little low so that he and Isak can talk if they want. “As the music plays, I’ll tell you who we are listening to. We are now listening to Nas.” He goes back to sit with Isak and takes the joint from him.

Even makes small comments and answers Isak’s questions about the music as they listen. As they get more and more stoned, they find themselves easily falling into conversation about a lot of other random shit they probably won’t remember by the time Isak leaves. They also make out a lot and that’s more coherent than their conversation.

“I’m hungry. Are you hungry?” Even suddenly asks after they’ve finished the third joint. He stopped at the second one and Isak finished the third one all by himself.

“Yes. I want a cheese toastie.” Isak says with a smirk.

Even smiles at how cute Isak looks all stoned and smiling for close to no reason. Even wonders what other stuff makes Isak look this happy. He finds himself hoping that he’s one of those things now, that the weed isn’t the only reason Isak is smirking like an entitled brat right now.

“Is that a request?”  
“If it makes you feel better, Even.”

“So it wasn’t a request to begin with?”

“Not really. I’m telling you to make me a cheese toastie.”

Even shakes his head and sidles to his feet then he reaches for Isak’s hand and pulls him to his feet as well. Even holds on to Isak’s hand all the way to the kitchen because maybe he likes what it feels like in his own.

Eyes glued to the floor as they cross the great room to the kitchen, Isak simpers, probably enjoying the hand-holding a little too much. Him and Even feel like a real couple right now.

“Beer?” Even asks when they enter the kitchen.

“You can drink beer at home?”

Even let’s Isak’s hand go so that he grab them some beer. Isak pouts at the loss as he goes to find himself a seat at the island. “The good news is I’m 18, so mum doesn’t get too pissed when I steal a bottle or two from dad’s lot.” Even explains. It’s partly a lie because at present his mom doesn’t want him drinking at all. She would probably freak out if she found out about the weed stash Even keeps here for when he and his friends hang out.

Isak gasps in mock wonder, “Wow, sounds like you’ve really lived and done it all. Tell me more about the fascinating and adventurous things you get to do as an 18 year old.”

“Shut the fuck up.” Even chuckles, as he pushes the fridge closed with his foot.

Isak laughs. “For an 18 year old, you don’t do much. I’m yet to see you living on the edge.”

“Growing up isn’t as cool as it sounds. Trust me.” Done opening their beers, Even hands one to Isak.

“I’ll believe it when I see it.”

“Don’t be in a hurry.”

“I won’t. For now it’s enough that I have a cool older guy around to expose me to cool adult shit.”

Even’s eyebrows shoot up. “Do you mean me?”

“Yes I mean you. Now I expect you to buy me weed, beer and well…. make me nice cheese toasties.”

“Can’t you make your own cheese toasties?” while drinking his beer, Even goes to look for some bread and cheese.

“I can’t do anything in the kitchen but grab water and drink it.”

“Certainly you can make tea.”

“I can’t make tea.”

Even laughs and Isak’s belly does that fluttering thing again. “Okay so I’ll get you beer, weed and make you food. What will you do for me? Nothing is for free.”

“My payments only come in form of blowjobs and kisses. Don’t ask if you are not prepared.”

Even whips around to look incredulously at Isak. “Do you pay everyone in that way?”

“Just you. Trust me.”

“Can’t you pay in cash?”

“No. I want to make out with you and then suck you off. Humour me a little.” Isak finishes with a playful wink.

Even nearly chokes on his own saliva and speedily turns away from Isak again to hide the red on his burning face.

Considering how boldly Isak approached Even when they first met, Even doesn’t doubt Isak’s potential to be forward but this still has Even flustered because, how on earth can such lewd things come from such a cute face? 

That aside, it’s incredibly sexy. It’s the sexiest thing Even has heard in a while now. Admittedly he is at a whole lot of a better place now since his depression started and he can safely say that he is finally coming out of it. Be that as it may, Even’s enthusiasm for sex isn’t back quite yet. Some mornings he just ignores his morning wood because he can’t beckon any strength to do anything about it but other morning he actually wants to take care of himself and that’s when he’ll try to picture some stuff in his mind or watch some porn on his phone. None of that has done the trick lately. Sometimes he even gives up and takes his frustrated self to take a shower and move on.

According the stir Even feels in his pants right now, Isak just has to make promises of make out sessions and blow jobs and Even’s dick will show a lot more interest than it has in anything for months now.

Even’s friends are right. He’s already in this too deep to hold anything back anymore. This isn’t just friends who cuddle and make out. It never was.

Realization hits Even abruptly, and it hits so damn hard, harder than anything he’s ever felt. It whacks the air out of his lungs and he just sits there in awe of how stupid he is for not realising this sooner.

_He is falling in love with Isak._

Of course he is in love because that would explain why Isak is the only thing that Even has somehow managed to grow fond of at a time when he can’t bring himself to love anything else in his life. At time when they spend time together, Even the lingering feeling of overwhelming sadness in his chest didn’t go away, but the difference was that being with Isak gives Even a bit of strength to fight through that and take back some of the joy that his depression stole from him. When Isak kisses him, Even feels like for the first time in a long time he has a reason to try and escape the chains of hopelessness.

Even wants Isak and he can’t ignore these feelings, so what the hell does he do now?


	7. Seven

While Isak has Sana sitting next to him in class and it’s just the two of them, he takes the opportunity to ask her about Even. It’s a struggle at first deciding how to broach the topic and then it occurs to him that there is no way to go about the impending conversation without enduring a lot of awkwardness.

So he just goes for it. “Hey, Sana. How did you say you know Even again?”

Sana lifts her gaze and gives Isak a really long, calculating look then she smiles. “Why do you care?”

Isak shrugs trying to appear nonchalant. “I just do.”

Sana purses her lips and lifts one eyebrow at Isak. “It’s none of your business.”

“Why so?”

“ _You_ tell me why _I_ should tell you how I know Even.”

“I’m just curious. Isn’t that enough?”

“No, but since I have a kind heart I’ll tell you anyway. I met Even in music club. Are you happy now?”

“Does he seem weird to you in any way?”

“Weird in what sense of the word?” Sana asks with a slight frown on her face.

“I just…wonder what his deal is. He’s never really in school and his grades are kind of suffering because of that.”

“How do you know about Even’s grades?” Sana is smiling again

Isak feels his face getting warmer and he just stares at Sana, trying to figure out what to say next. “We’ve been hanging out. Kinda.”

Sana nods in a way Isak knows she does when she totally doesn’t believe him. “Are you two dating?”

“What?” Isak splutters inelegantly and that just makes him so obvious now.

“So you _are_ dating.” She nods like Isak has confirmed it by word of mouth. “Anyway, no I haven’t noticed anything strange about Even. All I know is that he is a really cool guy. He’s a keeper.”

“You think so?” One side of Isak’s lips tilts up into a small smile.

Sana nods again. “I mean he’s good to you, isn’t he?”

“Yeah.” Isak says after a moment. It’s just…sometimes cuts me off abruptly. Like when he’s not in school, he cuts me off too.”

“I bet he has a legit reason. Ask him about it.”

“I feel like it might be too personal since he hasn’t said anything himself.”

“It’s hard for some people to share their issues with others. A little push might help. Try to talk to him, okay.”

Isak nods then after a few beats, he adds. “Thanks, Sana.”

*********

While putting some books away in his locker after school is over, Even runs into Sana.

“Hi, Even.” She gives him a brilliant smile.

“Hey, Sana. How have you been?”

“Good. You?”

“I’m okay.”

“You sure?” her eyebrows furrow slightly as she schools him. “You look a little tired. Is everything _really_ okay?”

Even understands Sana’s concern and he knows that it’s genuine since she’s known him for many years now. He has no reason to lie or hide anything from her. After quickly looking around to make sure no one is listening, Even turns back t Sana and ambles a little closer to her so that he can speak more quietly. “I’m missing school a lot lately, so I can’t help being worried that I’ll have to repeat once more.”

“Have you been feeling unwell lately?”

Even nods and stuffs his hands into his jeans pockets. San reaches out to touch Even’s arm. “Bad things don’t have to good people. Try to stay positive. I’m sure everything will work out better this time. You are here now and that means you are trying your best.”

Even cracks a small appreciative smile. “Thank you, Sana.”

“Any time.”

“How is Elias?”

“He’s okay. Sometimes he asks about you.”

“Does he?” Even brightens, daring to hope.

“I don’t think he hates you. All that stuff that went down back then- he knows as well as I do it wasn’t your fault. He’ll get over it someday. So will Adam. Many friendships have survived worse shit.”

“I hope so.”

“Forgive yourself first, okay. It’s all in the past.”

“Hey, speaking of Bakka….” Even hesitates a little. “Have you told anyone about what happened there?”

“Someone like Isak?” Sana’s eyebrows shoot up, her expression knowing and full of mischievous amusement.

Heat rises to Even’s cheeks as he smiles nervously. “How did you know?”

“I noticed you nearly suffering a heart attack when you saw Isak and me together.” Sana smiles. “I also know that you two like each other. I can barely get Isak to stop fantasising about you when we are studying together. It’s gross.”

Even grins, pleased to hear about much Isak likes him, and Sana laughingly smacks him on the arm. “Are you two together?”

Even looks around before answering. “Not yet.”

This seems to surprise Sana. “What’s the hold up? You and Sonja have long since been broken up.”

“I can’t really explain it but I’m in a bad place mentally.”

“And Isak doesn’t know about it.” Sana concludes scary accurately. “That’s why you don’t want him to find out about Bakka just yet. Well yes Isak and I are friends, but no I haven’t told him anything. That’s your truth to tell, Even.”

Even nods. “I will tell him.”

Sana doesn’t look convinced at all. “Let me tell you something. Isak is an irritating and grouchy brat sometimes, but he is a good boy. He’s smart and he can be kind. I think he’ll understand you if you tell him what’s going on.”

“It’s scary.”

“You poor thing. now I want to hug you.

“I could use a hug.” Even admits

“I’ll do you one better.” Sana takes her phone out and does some scrolling then she starts typing. Once she’s done, she looks back up and smiles. “Wait right here. Your hug is on its way.” With that, Sana winks at Even and walks away, leaving Even confused. Stil he obediently remains stationary.

Not long after he’s been standing there, he gets a text from Isak.

_Meet me on the rooftop_

***********

Even finds Isak waiting for him on the rooftop right near where they first met. He smiles, genuinely happy about seeing Isak.

“Hi.” He says once he’s close enough as he closes the distance between them

“Hi.”

He wraps his arms around Even’s shoulders and pulls her close. Despite the heaviness in Even’s stomach, it stutters at the feeling of his body pressing against Isak’s. He sinks into the warmth of Isak’s arms, appreciative of the simple gesture. His touch made the room warmer somehow, her future

The hug is strong and in this moment of feeling Isak so close, Even is awake somehow, more alive than he has felt in so long. At a time like this When Even feels especially bleak, he has a deep yearning for the cocoon, to be safe somewhere and to feel protected from the horror of his own mind. That's what he feels. This helps. Somehow he feels less miserable.

Suddenly Even is thinking he never wants to lose this moment. He wants Isak to always be there to hug him like this.

Isak pulls back to look at Even. “Sana didn’t tell me why you needed a hug. Do you wanna talk about it?”

“Not really.”

“Okay. Do you feel a little better now?”

“Much.” Even leans down and kisses Isak.

Isak closes his eyes and smiles against Even’s lips, feeling Even’s fingertips glide across his cheek and come to rest at the corner of his mouth. He tilts his head to the side and kisses back gently. Even brings his hand up to Isak’s hair- slowly running his fingers through it just because he enjoys the tickle of the curls against his palms- and licks into his mouth, tongue tracing Isak’s teeth and Isak gasps, in heaven.

Even chuckles when they pull apart, “Maybe we should take this some place more private.” He says, squeezing Isak’s hip softly with one hand.

“Your place or mine?”

“Your choice.”

*********

Isak picks his place and Even is slightly relieved. Honestly he is more than a bit jaded with the four walls that make up his bedroom. The place holds sadder than happy memories for him now.

Isak’s bedroom is much cleaner than the last time, Even notes and he makes it a point to tease Isak about it as they get settled. Isak momentarily leaves to get some drinks and snacks for them. He comes back and joins Even on the bed and they start talking. 

Even mentions that he is part of their school’s music club, a development that Isak is very surprised to hear.

“I need to write a song for an upcoming competition.” Even informs.

“Competition huh. Are outsiders welcome to compete?”

“Sure. You wanna join?”

Isak chuckles. “I can’t sing for shit.”

“I can’t sing either. I’m competing in lyrical content.”

“I have no such imagination. Art is so not my thing.”

Smiling fondly at how miffed Isak looks about what he’s saying, Even leans up and kisses Isak’s cheek. “I’m sure you have some artsy skills you don’t know about.”

They spend the next hour and a half writing even’s song, bouncing ideas off each other, talking and laughing. It’s warm and comfortable. Isak loves every second of it. He knows he sucks at this music thing but he doesn’t mind a cool boy telling him that his potential isn’t half bad.

They lay the writing to rest and somehow their conversation ventures into ear piercings.

“I’d never. It looks painful.” Isak’s face scrunches up disdainfully.

“You’d look hot with a piercing right here.” Even points at the area under Isak’s eye. “I saw it on someone once and I thought it looked so cool on him.”

“That area is so tender though. Maybe my bottom lip.”

Even smirks “I bet kissing would be fun.”

“I’ll bet it would.” Isak grins back. “How do you feel about piercings?”

“I want one someday. I hear it can be deeply fulfilling when you are troubled.” Even says. He and Isak are lying down now, facing each other and sharing one pillow.

“What do you want to fulfil?” Isak asks

Even falls silent like he didn't anticipate this conversation venturing this direction and now that it has, he is regretting what he just said.

Sensing Even’s mood dampening so suddenly, and the brightness in his eyes dim slightly, “Do you want to look even hotter than you are?” Isak provides with a small smile to bring the mood back up.

Even's lips curve into a smile that looks so magnificently bright to Isak because he is so glad he’s successfully pulled Even out of whatever dark place he was about to . “I guess. I want you to keep calling me hot.”

“So…. You are not troubled or anything?”

“At this very moment no.” Even whispers, his thumbs stroking the apples of Isak’s cheeks. Rather than reminiscing the painful stuff, Even would much rather spend this time learning more about what other fun things Isak’s tongue can do when they kiss. Also there’s so many things Even wants to say to Isak, to tell him, you’re so beautiful, you’re mine, thank you for being you. Things he’s wanted to say since the night they met. Those words on the tip of his tongue whenever Isak looks upon him without any judgment, when he makes Even smile, when he holds Even in his arms and gives him hope that everything’s going to be okay.  
“Isak, I love you,” Even confesses, his warm breath ghosting over Isak’s skin and the boy beneath him shivers, trembles under Even’s touch and he beams, brighter than the sun.  
Isak gapes at Even in disbelief for a few beats. He can’t believe what he’s hearing and that he’s hearing it so soon. “Say it again.” He whispers because he has to be sure he’s not dreaming again.

Even smiles, amused by but also understanding of Isak’s shock. “I love you. I don’t know if I can do the relationship thing but can’t deny my feelings for you anymore.”

Isak’s stomach erupts with butterflies and excitement floods through him as he says.   
“I love you too, like, so much. Fuck, Even. I think I’ve loved you since you since the first time I met you that night up on the school rooftop. You are the nicest guy I know.”   
Touched by Isak’s confession, Even’s eyes flutter closed as he takes it all in, trying to believe that someone as awesome as Isak can love him and all his shortcomings.   
“You’re so meaningful to me, Even. Please let me keep you.” Isak beseeches.

“I’ll stay for as long as you’ll have me.” Even whispers and pulls Isak into another kiss.

**********

Over the next several weeks, Things start looking up for Even much to his and his friends’ surprise. He starts spending a lot of time with Isak because he actually feels up for it. There are days when it’s a bit of a drag getting out bed but once that battle is over and he’s out and about talking walks hand-in-hand with Isak, it’s all great. He barely thinks or worries about the responsibility he has to take later for giving Isak so much hope that they can together.

Isak is just always there as a constant presence in Even’s life. We study together, he helps Even with music projects and physics, they play video games at his house, and they spend time together at school too during lunch. Their friendship slowly grows into something steady and real, something Even cherishes deeply.

Even easily gets lost in fun times with Isak. On weekdays they spend time at either one of their houses, watching TV, playing games or much to Even’s dread studying together. Isak is kind enough to help Even not only with his physics but other subjects too. Even has challenges with more subjects than he’s willing to admit and missing so much school because of his health doesn’t help.

When they are not indoors, they go to the movies together or arcade. They tag their friends along sometimes. Even never imagined his and Isak’s friends hanging out together but it actually happens one afternoon at the arcade and everyone is getting along so harmoniously.

Apparently Isak is stunned too because first chance he gets, he pulls Even aside briefly for a private moment to talk. “Our friends are forming one awesome squad. Only thing left is for us to get married and solidify this shit.” Isak says. He is smiling so blissfully and his blonde hair looks so dreamily golden under the late afternoon sun. Even is in love with this sweet, beautiful boy who has brought him so much happiness.

Even wordlessly pulls Isak into his arms and kisses him lingeringly and deeply. Somewhere in the background he registers the sound of their friends grumbling and complaining about the gross PDA. Isak smiles against Even’s lips and just like that Even forgets their friends as well as the passers-by and his mind is transported to a place where it’s just him and Isak right now enjoying each other. 

Even being Even, he sometimes takes Isak to this certain place that sells the best most expensive ice cream in town. He likes spoiling Isak like that.

It’s on a certain warm afternoon after school when Even takes Isak out for Kebabs that he realises that whether he likes it or not, he’s in a committed relationship with Isak. A serious, disgustingly sweet and actually functional relationship. As they are tucked in a corner booth at _Mud_ , sharing one cup of ice cream and making out, Even can’t help being amazed that he’s pulling it off considering all the reservations he initially had, and the reasons for those reservations. 

Following a series of great weeks with Isak distracting him from his tormenting thoughts, Even starts feeling like this is really the beginning of him winning the battle against his brain; like he can do anything with Isak by his side. Even starts to feel confident that maybe he can have something special with Isak, that maybe they can be official without any of his fears holding them back.

Even feels like he can fly if he wants to.

So without telling his parents or his friends about it, he starts skipping some therapy sessions and sometimes he doesn’t take his medication. He still feels fucking great after all, so it must be okay. And it _is_ okay until one day it’s just not.

Suddenly everything just goes downhill one day when Even wakes up on a normal Wednesday morning, feeling heavy-hearted and gloomy. He’s confused and can’t understand why he’s feeling that way. He tries to retrace his steps from the day before to pinpoint what could have upset him but there is nothing. He just feels fucking miserable and he hates himself and he hates the fucking universe that won’t let him be happy for longer than a few days. There is none of the hope he felt the past few weeks, none of the delight or enthusiasm. He just feels a deep searing unexplainable sadness. 

His dad comes to his bedroom to check on his tell him he’s late for school.

“I’m not going.” Even mutters, voice muffled by his pillow. Even hears a sigh, but his father doesn’t argue. He just quietly walks out.

Even is crying when his mother comes to his room a few minutes later.

********

_You may have heard about Eva’s party tomorrow night. Are you coming? Let me know_

_It would be cool to go together._

Isak is staring at the text he sent to Even 2 maybe 3 hours ago. He hasn’t seen Even around school today and now his text has gone unanswered. Isak can’t help feeling worried about Even. First chance Isak gets, he is going to ask Even what the fuck is going on because this on and off is getting super tiring for him.

On Saturday night Isak almost changes his mind about going to the party since he feels so shitty about the fact that Even hasn’t called or texted him back. His friends convince him that the fun of alcohol and gossip will improve him mood, so he agrees to go anyway.

What Isak does not expect at all is to spot Even in the crowd at the party.

“Hey.” Magnus nudges Isak’s arm. “Is that Even?” Didn’t you say he wasn’t coming to the party?”

Isak doesn’t have strength to give Magnus an answer. He is still trying to deal with how surprised and hurt he feels by this whole situation. While he’s been agonising and trying to rationalise Even’s silence, Even seems very unfazed while casually drinking a beer and talking to his friends by Eva’s kitchen door.

“Do you wanna go over there and see him?” It’s Mahdi speaking this time. Again Isak doesn’t reply. He just stalks off in Even’s direction to demand a damned explanation.

“You bae is making his way over here.” Mutta says, craning his neck to see over the crowd.

Even’s heart jumps and he follows Mutta’s line of vision, same as Yousef and Mikael. Even spots Isak easily enough and then he turns to his friends. “You guys should probably make yourselves scarce.”

“Ouch. You break my heart, Even.” Yousef exaggeratedly clutches his chest. “Can’t I say hello to Isak first?”

“No. Half the time all you guys do is embarrass me. Go away.” He laughingly and playfully shoves Mikael’s shoulder.

Even’s friends stick around a few seconds longer just to say hi to Isak. After pleasantries are exchanged, they walk away but not before telling Isak that they are leaving because Even told them to.

Laughing a little with Even’s friends eases some of Isak’s tension, so he’s thankful for that. There is something soothing as well about seeing Even smiling despite how tired he looks. The lighting in the room isn’t good, but Isak can see the sunken state of Even’s eyes well enough, the stress lines about his marginally leaner cheeks. He looks pale and sick. Isak is starting to wonder whether Even has some serious on going illness.

As fun as it is talking to Even’s friends, Isak is relieved when they finally leave because now he can talk to Even alone.

He steps up to Even and offers a small smile. “Hi.”

“Hi.” Even smiles back, but in a way that doesn’t exactly reach his eyes.

Isak’s fingers tighten around his cold beer bottle. “I didn’t know you would here.”

“I just got here actually. My friends dragged me over here.”

“You could have texted to tell me you were coming.” Isak shifts his weight on his other leg. “Do not want to hang out with me this weekend or something? You can just say it.”

“That’s not it.”

“Then what is?”

“I’m working through some stuff, okay.”

“No it’s not okay. You have to do better than that lame ass excuse.”

Even grins, unexpectedly amused by Isak’s stubbornness and the adorable scowl on his cute face. “Are you laughing?” Isak exclaims at Even’s audacity.

“You are really cute.”

Isak delivers a swift smack to Even’s arm, his lips twitching in an effort not to smile. “Don’t butter me up.”

“That’s not what I’m doing. I’m honestly sorry for this. Let me make it up to you.”

“How?”

“ _You_ tell me what you want.”   
“I want _you_ to tell me what stuff you are working through.” 

Even hesitates, biting on his lip. “I’m not sure you’d understand without freaking out.”

“Try me.”

“I really don’t want to. I’d rather forget that I have problems.”

Isak sighs and stares at Even. “Don’t be afraid.”

“I can’t just switch it off.”

Isak nods. That he can understand. The decision to share personal feelings with others can’t be forced upon people. “Then please kiss me. I really missed you. “I believe you have some apologising to do.”

Even shifts, backing away from the temptation on impulse but then he’s standing against a wall, so there is nowhere to go. “I do.”

Even instantly grabs Isak’s hand, dragging him away to some place where they can have some privacy.

The moment they find a spot outside that’s not occupied by a group of people, Even pulls Isak into his arms and kisses him on the lips until Isak is breathless with delight as he gets showered with gentle, soft kisses.

Even draws back again and spends a moment studying Isak’s face. Isak is gazing back at him so lovingly, his eyes soft with tenderness.

Even is thrilled beyond words to be the recipient of his affection. When Isak looks at him like that, Even can almost believe that he can have his happily ever after despite his problems. “I’ve been depressed lately.” Even whispers into the small space separating their lips.

Isak’s stomach drops. “What?”

“I’ve been feeling down lately and that’s why I haven’t been to school much.” Even explains and he watches Isak’s eyes widen as fear and panic fills them. This is the look he hates seeing in people’s eyes when he tells them about his problems. He hates worrying people and seeing them pity him. That’s why when Isak asks;

“Is it serious?”

Even deliberately downplays it. “No. I’m all better these days.”

Now more than ever, the relief that visibly washes over Isak grounds Even’s reasons for keeping the truth about his mental health from Isak.

“I’m here for you if you need anything. Anything at all.” Isak says emphatically.

Even gently cups Isak’s face in his palms and leans down to kiss him in a show of deep gratitude. “I know, baby.”

Isak is just so relieved to finally have an answer to his many questions about Even’s ups and downs. Maybe now things can be a lot smoother between them since they are starting to communicate better. “Thank you for telling me. I love you.”

“I love you too, Isak.”


	8. Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is trouble in paradise and apparently Isak's patience with Even also has a breaking point

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: This story contains descriptions of heavy depression and suicidal thoughts. If anyone here is sensitive to such material then i kindly ask you to avoid reading this story, especially this chapter(eight) in particular. 
> 
> Big thanks to everyone who has been with me this far along in this story. Your feedback has been a true joy to read and I've been inspired by it in certain ways. This is the second last chapter of the story and i'll say it again, THE CHAPTER HAS A DESCRIPTION OF INTENSE SADNESS, DEPRESSION AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. If this bothers you then please avoid reading it. Unlike previous chapters where the sad stuff was buried in some sweet moments, this chapter is just pure, raw sadness as he get deeper into even's head so that we understand him more. Isak experiences a lot of pain too in this chapter.   
> That being said i still hope you'll find the installment satisfying.   
> I'm set to have a busy few weeks from the start of September, so it might take me a little while longer to complete the final chapter of this but i promise it'll be up in no more than 2 weeks time from now.   
> Thanks again for the love

“So, what do you wanna do today?” Isak asks. He’s visiting Even at his house and kind of wondering why Even invited him here seeing as he doesn’t seem to be up for any company today. The sombre mood is a little surprising for Isak since him and Even has been getting along great lately.

Even shakes his head against his pillow and mutters. “I just want to sleep.” He is lying in bed while Isak standing by the bed, hovering over him.

“So you invited me over to sleep?”

Even shifts under his comforter and turns onto his back to look up at Isak. “My mum has gone out, so I’m kinda lonely being at home by myself on a Sunday afternoon. You said I could call if I needed anything.” 

Isak’s lips turn up into a cute little smile, “Then...can i join?”

Even nods again, also cracking a tiny smile as he pats the bed beside him. Isak climbs into bed with him. It’s a bit too warm in the afternoon to be under a thick blanket but Isak doesn’t mind the intimacy it provides. He loves the feeling of being pressed so firmly against Even as they kiss.

Neither of them speaks after their lips pull apart.

Isak is starting to realise something about Even. He is moody.

It seems like some days he is high and others he is low. At times Even is fine and they hang out like normal, but there are also times when Even is just strangely low energy and sad like right now.

It's like there are two sides to him and Isak doesn't know what to think. Maybe it has to do with what Even said about feeling depressed lately. Even said he’s doing fine and Isak trusts him, so they’ll be okay.

Even stares at Isak and reaches up to caress his cheek. “What are you thinking about so seriously?”

So much for Isak hoping that his emotions aren’t reflected on his face.

"Sometimes I feel like you don’t really want me around. Like now.” Isak admits

The bitter heaviness of guilt settles in Even’s chest. "I’m sorry about what happened that day at Mud. I do like having you around all the time.”

"It’s just… there is just a lot of stuff I don't understand about you."

Even’s mood plummets and Isak feels it right away, making him regret saying anything. Then again he feels a bit jaded with not knowing what Even is all about. They talk a lot. God, they do, but to some level Isak is always left feeling like Even doesn’t share all that much about himself. Like there are thoughts and feelings that he doesn’t share. 

"There is stuff I don't understand about myself either." Even says

"Is that possible? I thought we all know ourselves best."

Even looks up at the ceiling, blinking so slowly and suddenly he looks so tired and so miserable.

"Not always." Even replies after so long. "Truly understanding oneself and one's purpose can be one of the hardest things in life. One moment it's all cool and the next you find that you have no idea who the fuck you are or why the hell you exist. Do you ever think of stuff like that, Isak?"

"No."

"I didn't think so. You are young after all."

"Do you think about that stuff a lot?"

"All the time. I wonder why I'm alive."

"That's fucking sad...and depressing." This sounds a lot like the depression Even talked about. Isak wants to know more and this is a great opportunity to do so while Even is opening up a bit but then suddenly Isak can't bring himself to ask any of what he wants to know. In fact all those questions just vanish from his mind and he can’t remember what they were. He thought he was ready to learn more about Even, but Judging by the way his heart is racing right now, Isak figures that maybe he's afraid of the answers. He's never encountered a depressed person and he has no idea how he would handle that. If this were someone else, he would orobably he would run because that's what he does when shit gets too complicated. He doesn't want to run from Even though. he just wants them to be happy together.

So he purposely avoids asking more about Even’s sad thoughts and moods because he'd rather not know. It's selfish and childish, but that's Isak's way.

It’s hard but also easier for Isak to fit himself into Even's life by making himself available when Even wants to have him around, and making himself scare when he isn't wanted. That’s easier than getting all wrapped up in the sad stuff.

When Even wants to talk, they'll talk. When Even needs silence, they'll be silence. When Even doesn't want Isak to touch him, they won't touch.

It sounds difficult to do now but Isak thinks he can manage it. Since Even is the person that Isak's heart has chosen to love then Isak just has to be understanding and unconditional about it.

"You exist for me to enjoy how hot you are." Isak says instead to lighten the mood.

At first it's like Even hasn't heard anything but eventually he shifts onto his side on the bed to face Isak again. "Is that so?!” There is no trace of humour anyway on Even's face or in his voice.

"Of course you are. You are a beautiful person, Even Bech Naesheim."

It's very nice to hear someone say that about him, Even thinks, but as usual this flattery feeling inside his chest will only last a few hours probably and by tomorrow he'll be back to feeling like nothing again. His is a very exhausting and disheartening existence. He wishes he were a better, bubblier more hopeful guy for a delightful person like Isak. Even hates lying here feeling like the depressed killjoy that he is. He hates that he here with Isak in this nice moment but with no joy to offer.

But for now while Isak's compliments are actually stirring some semblance of warmth in the cold recesses or Even's chest, he selfishly dwells it is.

And Isak whispers, "Can we make out before we fall asleep?" Even nods and tilts his head up, relishing in the rare joy of the moment as Isak strokes his cheek so tenderly; kisses his forehead, his cheek, his nose and finally his lips with such reverence.

Even closes his eyes and buries his face deeper into Isak's pillow, hiding the tears welling up in his eyes.

**********

"So Even has just disappeared. Again.” Mahdi says

“He hasn't been to school in days and he won't reply to my texts. Again." Isak elaborates. Isak and all 3 of his friends are hanging out at mud after school, having a pizza that Isak has barely touched.

“Cutting school is one thing, but ghosting you time and again is another." Mahdi says.

Jonas nods. "Yeah it kinda sounds like he's blowing you off, man."

"I don't think that's it." Magnus refutes. "Maybe Even is just sick again or something. Let’s give him a little time."

Isak offers Magnus an appreciative smile. "I never thought I'd say this but you might be my best friend Mags."

Magnus' face contorts into a wounded expression. "Why did you think you'd never say that?"

Isak literally ignores the question. "Even's friend Mutta told me that Even was sick that other time he disappeared."

"Then not all hope is lost. Maybe Even is feeling unwell again. I'm sure he'll contact you when he feels better." Jonas says.

"Should I drop by his house to visit?"

Mahdi shakes his head. "Too pushy."

"And desperate. I feel like this guy is sort of taking you for a ride what with you always the one chasing after him." Jonas adds. "I hate how you are the one that’s always going after him. He’s totally taking you for a ride."

Isak nods, considering this. He looks at Magnus then. "Mags my new bestie, what do you think?"

Magnus smirks and turns forwards Jonas. "Do you hear that, Jonas? I'm Issy's new bestie."

Jonas scoffs like the chance of that happening is equivalent to building a snowman in hell.

Magnus' gaze slides back to Isak. "There is no shame in love. The sky the limit, man. Go get your man. We'll laugh at you later for how desperate you are being."

"That's beautiful, bro." Isak replies

"I'll take it you'll be going with Magnus' advice." Mahdi asks

"Yes." Isak replies without wasting a second.

"Yes." Magnus whispers, punching the air to celebrate his victory. Jonas watches it happen and then he looks at Isak, saying. "Well that last bit about how we'll laugh at you later sounds appealing. Go for it."

"We are such good friends." Mahdi proudly says with a goofy grin

“One more thing, Issy.” Jonas says, his facial expression suddenly serious. “This is the last time I’m letting you chase after Even. If he ghosts you again after this, it’s fucking over for good between you two and you are moving on to someone better.” 

A part of Isak wants to argue but the stern look on Jonas’ face doesn’t let him.

*********

At Even's house, A tall, blonde woman with a kind smile opens the door. Her striking blue eyes, attention grabbing pouty mouth and shade of blonde hair are identical to Even's, so Isak assumes this is Even's mother. Finally he meets her after hearing several stories about her from Even. She is beautiful with her shiny, flowing shoulder-length hair.

"Hello." She says

"Hi. I'm Isak. Even's friend."

The lady's face lights up, smile growing wider. "Oh. It's nice to meet you Isak. I’ve heard a bit about you. We haven’t met. I'm Even's mother." She extends her hand to Isak and he takes it.

"It's nice to meet you."

"The pleasure is mine. Is Even is expecting you?"

"Not really, but I’ve visited here a few times, so I figured its okay for me to pay him a visit."

Even's mum appears to hesitate a bit but she wordlessly steps aside and invites Isak inside.

"I’m sure you know where Even’s bedroom is. You are welcome to go there. I'll bring you boys some refreshments and snacks in a little bit, okay?" She tells Isak and he sets off to see Even. 

Isak walks into the room and finds a sight far worse than the last time he was here. The awful stench hits him first, and then there is the dirty clothes thrown around pretty much everywhere. The curtains are closed and Isak assumes the windows are as well, adding darkness to the mix of stuffiness.

The good news is that Even is here. Isak can see his figure lying on the bed under the covers. The weather is warmer these days, so it should be sweltering under Even’s thick duvet. Isak wonders if Even has a cold or something like that. whatever it is, it’s pretty serious if Even can’t even tidy up a bit around here.

Isak approaches the bed and leans over Even to look for him under the beddings. "Even?" He tries and gets no answer. “Even? Are you asleep?”

Still no answer

Isak gently shakes Even by the shoulder while calling out for him but still gets no response.

He scratches the back of his neck, a nervous habit when he's feeling lost.

"Even?" He tries again.

Nothing.

He considers that option that maybe Even is asleep but then he sees Even's figure shift under the covers.

So Isak reaches out again and pats Even on the shoulder, getting so startled when Even unceremoniously recoils from his touch.

"Leave me alone." Even's voice grumbles under the covers and he sounds so irritated.

Stunned and frankly very hurt too, Isak stands there a little while longer trying to figure out what to do next. "Is it something I did? Fuck, Even you have to tell me."

"I'm tired. Go away."

“Why?”

“I don’t want you here. I don’t want anyone here. Just leave. Please.”

Since it looks like Isak won't be getting anything out of Even today, He gives up and walks out without another look at Even because this fucking hurts so much and he feels like crying. Giving Even space when he needs it seemed a whole lot easier in Isak’s head than it is in real life.

Just outside Even’s room, Isak nearly rams into someone. A girl. Blonde hair, very beautiful. There is a handbag hanging over her shoulder, so Isak assumes she’s just arrived. She gives Isak a curious once over while he does the same thing to her.

“Hi.” She says.

Isak clears his throat and does his best to rearrange his facial expression into something that’s less telling of the turmoil he’s feeling inside. “Hi.”

“Have we met?”

Isak shakes his head. “I don’t think so.”

“I don’t mean to be rude, but who are you?”

“Isak. I’m Even’s…friend.”

The girl’s eyebrows furrow for a split second like Isak’s answer is not what she expects to hear and that she doesn’t quite believe him. She nods anyway and extends her hand to Isak who hastily takes it, hoping this encounter will end any second now so that he can leave already. “I’m Sonja. Even’s girlfriend. I’m surprised he has a friend I don’t know about.”

For a split second Isak’s grief gets suspended and it’s replaced with utter shock. He freezes completely; unable to compute what he just heard as it slowly painfully sinks in. Even’s girlfriend? Even has a girlfriend? What the fuck.

“I didn’t realise Even has a girlfriend.” Isak mutters, half unaware that he’s even speaking or the words coming out his own mouth.

Sonja shrugs nonchalantly. “To be exact he didn’t have one until recently. We are working things out.”

Isak has had enough for one afternoon. “Sorry but I’m in a hurry. I have to go.” He doesn’t wait for a reply before he stalks off to look for Even’s mother so that he can say goodbye and be on his way. It’ll be rude to just go.

He finds her talking on the phone in the living area. One look at him and she makes haste work of cutting her phone call short. After she’s put the phone down on the table, she walks towards Isak, looking at him like she really hates to see him go and that things have to be this way.

“Are you leaving already?” She asks. “I hope It’s not because Sonja is here.”

Isak winces hearing that name. “Even said he doesn’t want to hang out today. I’ll come back another time.” The second part is a big lie, but Isak is only trying to be polite.

Even’s mother gives him a sad smile and Isak gets the feeling that somehow she knows how hurt Isak is feeling inside. "I'm sure it's nothing you've done, Isak. Even is just unwell right now. He'll call you when he feels better."

"May I ask what's wrong with him?"

"Perhaps its better he tells you himself."

"Is it very serious?"

"Don't worry. He'll be okay."

The fact that she evades Isak's question entirely only makes Isak's day worse.

**********

Not long after Isak and then Sonja are gone, Even hears his bedroom door open again, then he hears quiet footsteps approaching and then his bed dips as she sits down next to him. 

“Honey?” it’s his mother.

Even doesn’t have the strength to answer so he remains silent, facing the wall under his covers just as he was when Isak was in here a while ago. She probably knows he is awake.

“The boy who came over just now, is he a friend?” she asks, her tone quiet and gentle, tentative as if she doesn’t want to risk upsetting him in any way.

Over the past three days since Even has been at home, his friends have taken turns visiting him like usual but none of those visits were a social call. His friends came by to check on him, babysit him for a few hours whenever his mother had to go out and run some errands.

Even hates it. He hates that his friends spend more time babysitting him than having fun with him. He hates that his mother had to quit her job to stay home and look after him whenever he needs it.

Even hates that he worries everyone around him and makes them nervous. He absolutely loathes how tentative his mother’s voice sounds right now. She shouldn’t have to be so uneasy around her own son. She is one of the sweetest people Even has ever known in his life and she deserves better.

His friends deserve better.

Isak deserves better.

Isak.

The thought of him makes Even’s stomach churn with regret. First he thought turning Isak away so that he wouldn’t see Even like this was a good idea but now he’s left feeling shitty about it. He feels so bad about it, and so stupid, clueless and childish for still running away instead of showing Isak his true self.

Even’ bipolar isn’t going away. It’s a part of him and it’s about time he starts accepting it and learning to survive with it, but just can’t. It’s too hard.

He knows that hiding away from the people he loves when he’s a mess is not good for him. He knows he’s being pathetic staying in his bed all the time, crying, barely eating, hardly getting up to take a shower, ignoring the notifications on his phone and sleeping way too much. But he can’t help it. Not when he constantly feels like the whole world is crushing down on him. He just doesn’t have the energy or the enthusiasm to get out of bed when all he does is give everyone worries and strife. It’s not easy to think about, but part of him truly believes everyone would be better off without him. 

Sometimes he thinks the world would be a better place without him, that maybe if he subtracts himself from the equation, everyone else in his life will have the freedom to live their lives without having to look after him all the damn time.

If he gets out of the picture, Isak can find a better guy to give his time and heart to.

But then if that’s what Even wants, why does the thought hurt so much?

Why can’t his mind quiet down? Why won’t his heart stop hurting?

Why can’t he just fall asleep and rest _for ever_?  
“Even?” His mother gently calls him. He hears her sigh. “He told me his name is Isak and that you two are friends. I don’t realise you have friends I don’t know about.” She pauses for a few beats. “He was very sad to leave so soon after coming. Maybe next time you could let him stay a little while longer? He seems nice.”

He _is_ nice, Even is thinking. Isak is the nicest boy there is and Even detests the idea of hurting him in any way.

Even’s mum puts her hand on his shoulder. “Isak is more than just a friend, isn’t he? That’s why you wouldn’t let him see you like this. I know it’s hard for you to show this side of yourself to others and that you are scared, but it’s better to be honest. The people who really care about you will stay. Those that run don’t deserve your time of day.

“I’m so tired, mum. Why can’t I be happy like everyone else?” Even breaks down and turns around, scooting closer to his mother until he rests his head on her lap. She tenderly runs her fingers through his hair, silently comforting him as he cries.

“I’m so sorry that you are hurting this much, sweetheart. You won’t always hurt like this. It’ll all get better. I promise. In the meantime, I’m here for you. Don’t lock yourself up in here, suffering on your own.”

“I don’t want you wasting your life sitting here with me.”

“Don’t say things like that. You are my son and I love you. Of course there is no place I’d rather be than here with you, in the good times and the bad.”

Even wraps his arms around his mother’s waist and cries until the tears stop coming. His mother slowly pulls the blanket away from his face and he lets her, tilting his chin up to look at her. She smiles sweetly at him. “Hi.”

“Hi.” He croaks and sniffs

“Can we talk now?” After some consideration, he nods. “Tell me about Isak.” 

“He is a boy I met at school. He’s my junior.”

“So he’s just a friend?”

Even blinks slowly, feeling a little sleepy now. “He likes me.”

“And you like him back?”

Lowering his gaze, Even nods. “Doesn’t it suck that I met him at a time like this?”

“A time like what?”

“When I’m in disarray.”

“You are not in disarray, Even. Besides, I don’t think Isak is kind of person to judge.”

“You don’t know him.”

“No, but what I do know that he was crying when he left here and not because he was frightened by what he saw. He was just sad that you wouldn’t see him. He seemed worried about you.”

“Sonja used to worry about me a lot. I don’t want to do that to Isak.”

“Well that’s not your choice, honey. The truth is that whether you try, you won’t be able to hide who you are from Isak forever. You need to tell him and then it’s his choice to have you are you are or to walk away. You can’t make that choice for him by hiding the truth and refusing to let him choose. It’s selfish.”

Even pouts at his mother. “Why can’t you be out there fighting my battles for me?”

She smiles. “Because I’ve raised a wonderful boy who is more than capable of fighting his own battles. He’s in a bit of a slump now but he’ll get right back up. I believe in him.”

For the first time in three days, Even cracks a tiny smile. 

“Get some rest now and maybe we can watch a movie together later? We’ll order fried chicken and pizza. How does that sound?”

Honestly Even is so tired of thinking and hurting. A distraction sounds blissful, as long as they do it here at home where he feels safe and comfortable. “Okay.” He whispers. “Can you stay a little longer until I fall asleep?”

“Sure, honey.” She pauses for a few beats. “Another thing, I know you’ve been drinking, smoking and skipping some of your therapist appointments. We’ll have a talk about that later.” Her tone of voice is a little stern and reprimanding.

“Yes, Mum.”

**********

Isak goes straight to Jonas’ house after Even’s because he doesn’t want to be alone. Jonas takes one good look at Isak- the devastated, confused, teary-eyed state he’s in- and voices out an accurate conclusion. “Even fucked up again, didn’t he?”

“He kicked me out and he has a girlfriend.” Isak explains once they are sitting side by side on Jonas’ bed.

Jonas’ jaw drops like that’s simply the most atrocious, most horrific thing he’s ever heard. “Oh my God. Are you okay?”

Isak shakes his head as more tears roll down his cheeks. “No.”

“I can’t believe Even would do this to you. He seems so decent.” Jonas frowns, obviously having trouble processing what he’s just heard. “And to think we all defended him whenever he messed up. What an asshole.” He shakes his head. “How exactly did you find out about this girlfriend of his?”

“She was at his house. We met and she told me they are in the middle of working things out. This after Even literally kicked me out of there.”

“That’s cold. What are you going to do now?”

“I haven’t thought that far yet. I’m just….shocked…and fucking hurt.”

Taking on an extra gentle and careful tone of voice, Jonas says. “But do you at least agree that it’s time for you to do away with Even?”

“Yes. I’m so done with Even.” Isak replies without wasting a second to think about his answer.


	9. Finale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can Isak and Even finally reach for the happy ending they both so desperately want?

Even’s friends have always understood his struggles with being bipolar especially when he messes up as a result of a temporal unstable state of mind.

It’s a different story this time. The love is still there, Even knows, but there is no trace of sympathy as they all stare stoically at him in the most reprimanding way Even has ever seen. This is the most uncomfortable conference video call all four of them have ever had. The call started out normal until Even told his friends what happened the last time Isak visited Even’s house exactly 4 days ago.

“Well…..I told you so.” Mikael says. “This must suck for you, but seriously what else did you expect?”

“We told you to explain everything to him.” Yousef adds I understand why he’s not speaking to you. And shame on you too, Mutta.”

“What? What the hell for?” Mutta splutters, stunned by the abrupt attack

“You kept discouraging Even from doing the right thing.” Yousef says

“It’s no one’s fault but mine.” Even cuts them off with a defeated sigh.

Mikael sighs as well. “The situation looks bad, but the point is that treating Isak that way wasn’t your intention. You can’t give up on reaching out to him. Make that apology and for the love of God, tell him the truth.”

“I’ve been doing some pretty stupid shit recently, so I’m grounded; probably the biggest grounding of my entire life. I can’t leave the house except to visit my therapist and my mum drives me to that.”

Mutta hisses through his teeth. “Sounds tough. Keep calling them. Try his friends too if you must.”

Even’s expression is nothing short of horror. “Isak is mad at me so I can only imagine how his friends must feel about me.”

“You are not in the position to play this safe.” Yousef shakes his head disapprovingly. “It’s obvious how much you like Isak. Do whatever it takes to make this right.”

It’s a bitter pill to swallow but Even can’t deny the truth of the matter. Yousef is right.

“All that aside, how are you really doing, Even?” Mikael asks and perhaps for the first time since Even broke the news about Even to his friends, Even hears some kindness in Mikael’s voice.

“Everything fucking hurts.” Even admits.

*********

"You have some nerve still calling. Again, what the fuck do you want?"

"I know I'm a jerk. I've heard it all."

"Oh trust me, Jerk doesn't even capture it. You are a fucking asshole."

Even sighs on the phone and pinches the bridge of his nose, eyes squeezed tight but he doesn't argue because he knows that won't do him any good.

"I need to talk to Isak. Please help me."

"Honestly, man, we've all had just about enough of you and your drama. Leave Issy alone."

"I need to explain some things."

"And then what? Your guilt will wane? Are you sure that anything you want to say is what Isak needs to hear?"

Even silently admits that Jonas has him there. "I don't know anything, okay?! This is hard for me too. I barely have the answers to anything."

"Then you shouldn't be two-timing when you are such an amateur about it."

Even freezes as his brain comes to a screeching halt. "Wait, two-timing?"

"We know about Sonja." Jonas says, sounding almost impatient and possibly even slightly bored like he'd much rather stop talking about this.

Even is just getting started with this conversation though. It’s just taken a very unexpected turn and now he needs some clarity. "How did you find out about Sonja?"

"Is that important?"

"Yes. I've never talked to Isak about her. I don’t think I’ve told him her name."

"Of course you haven't." Jonas pushes out a tired breath. "Look Even, sometimes it's hard to make a choice between two people. All I'm saying is that you shouldn't have started something with Isak when you still had feelings for Sonja."

"I don't have feelings for Sonja. She is my ex. All that is old."

"That's not what she told Isak."

Even's confusion and ultimately his frown deepens. "Sonja talked to Isak?"

"She didn't tell you?"

"No.” Even’s frustration pours out of him. “I don't know what the fuck is going on here. I need to talk to Isak and explain all this shit to him. Please help me, Jonas. Please. I swear I'm not with Sonja anymore. I have no idea why she said that to Isak. It's all just a misunderstanding."

"That’s why you should be ballsy enough to sort out that mess before you start a new relationship, man."

"I guess I deserve that one." Even admits. Over the past few weeks while he was wallowing in misery and out of touch with the world, things around him were literally crumbling. Now that he's getting back in touch with reality again, that reality is one huge, confusing mess. He knows it's not his fault that he was out of it, but yes he could have his shit put together better.

He can't even imagine the pain his poor Isak must be going through because of this misunderstanding. Now more than ever, Even wants to clear things up and finally, properly make Isak his already. No beating about the bush and no hesitation.

"Please convince Isak to talk to me." Even implores Jonas once more. "I swear he won't regret it."

"We all trusted you, Even. We thought you were a great guy. We considered you one of us. We are all very disappointed."

"I noticed. Mahdi won't pick up my calls and Magnus only answered to curse at me then he hang up again."

"You deserve it."

"Believe me this once. I swear I'm not two-timing Isak. I'll talk to Sonja and ask what the actual fuck, but first I need you to trust me."

Jonas falls silent for so long that Even almost thinks the line is dead. But then Jonas speaks up again, sounding resigned. "Issy is a fucking mess right now. You hurt him so bad, you know."

Guilt settles in Even's belly and twists angrily. "I don't want him to suffer. That's why I need to set things right and I can't if we don't talk."

"Well you do have a point there. Solely for the reason that I've seen how happy you make Isak and how nice of a guy you can be, I'll give you a chance to fix things. I'm not promising anything but I'll try to convince Isak to talk to you."

"Thanks, Jonas. You are a good friend."

"Don't fuck up again."

"I won't. I promise. After I've told Isak what's been going on with me, I'll explain to you too."

*********

“This might sound odd coming from me of all people, but I think you should give Even a chance to explain himself.” Jonas tells Isak and the entire lunch table falls silent as 3 pairs of eyes turn a hostile gaze upon Jonas.

“What did you just say?” Mahdi demands, finally breaking the silence after a lengthy moment of tension.

Jonas throws his hands up to signal that he doesn’t intend to start a war here. “Let me explain, guys.”

“Give it a go.” Isak replies icily. He’s having a hard enough time stuck between missing and hating Even all at once. Moments with his friends are the only time he can forget all that stuff for a bit, and now Jonas is bringing it up. Isak doesn’t appreciate that.

“Even has been blowing up my phone to explain himself. He says the whole thing with Sonja is a misunderstanding.”

A spark of hope ignites in Isak’s chest because this is what the huge part of him that’s still desperately in love with Even needs to hear. But he swallows down that spark because his brain is still very realistic and his heart still hurts.

Mahdi rolls his eyes. “All cheats say shit like that. I wouldn’t give Even any time of day if I were Isak.”

“Even said he didn’t know Sonja spoke to you.” Jonas says to Isak

“Wait!” Magnus interrupts and looks at Isak both puzzled and shocked. “This Sonja spoke to you? To say what?”

Isak stares at Magnus, speechless for a few seconds as he wonders why Magnus is so stunned. “I told you she told me she and Even are working things out or whatever.”

Mahdi’s expression changes to a scandalised look very akin to what Magnus has on his face. “You didn’t say that. All you said is that Even is back with his ex.” Mahdi

“What the fuck is the difference?” Isak asks, eyebrows furrowed at Mahdi and Magnus

“This paints a whole new colour on this situation.”

“How?”

“Because among the most important rules of a relationship is the fact that you should absolutely never believe anything the ex tells you.” Magnus explains with barely contained impatience, frustration and even disappointment.

“In light of this development, I think Even deserves a conversation.” Mahdi adds. “Talk to him and hear him out at least. For all we know Even’s ex told you that to get rid of the competition. And just in case that also just flew over your dense head, you are the competition.”

Magnus and Mahdi’s rebuke hit Isak harder than anything else in this conversation and not because of anything to do with how harsh they are being about it, but because they totally have a solid point. What Isak went through at Even’s house was a nightmare so he deserves to have this time to wallow in pity, hurt and to resent Even; but now he also kind of hates that while he was busy with that, he missed this very obvious very big possibility that his friends just mentioned.

Talking to Even is the last thing Isak wants yet he can’t get it out of his mind now that there is a possibility Even didn’t cheat.

Isak feels a hand clamp over his shoulder and that drags him from his thoughts. It’s Jonas. “I can’t promise that talking to Even will give you your happy ending but maybe it’ll bring you some much needed relief and proper closure. Let him explain.”

********

Up to this point Even had everything he wants to say to Isak rehearsed. That all went a lot smoother in his head though. Now that Isak is here in Even’s room, sitting on his bed and staring expectantly at Even, it’s a whole different story. Even clears his suddenly dry throat and nervously pulls his lower lip between his lips under Isak’s scrutiny. Isak doesn’t look mad as per say, but he’s hurting. Even can tell and that’s what makes everything worse.

“Thanks for coming over.” Even starts.

“Thank my friends.” Isak stops to get a grip because he’s so damned nervous not knowing what to expect here. Is Even about to officially dump him? It’s true that Isak’s heart hurts, but that hasn’t stopped him from worrying about Even’s turbulent health. He’s pleased to see that Even cleaned up around his room; that although he looks tired and slightly thinner than Isak remembers, he looks quite okay once you overlook how remorseful and crestfallen he looks. “They seem to think you deserve to explain yourself.” Isak finally completes the thought.

Even wishes he could bridge the space between them but he’s not sure Isak won’t push him away if he tries to reach out, so he doesn’t. He satisfies himself instead with staring at how beautiful Isak looks right now. Even missed his face so much, his smell, his presence.

“Sonja is my ex-girlfriend.” Even starts. “I swear we are not back together. I don’t know why she told you that.”

At first relief courses through Isak, but that’s short lived because he realises that Even needs to explain more. “Maybe you haven’t clearly told her that you two are done?”

“The thing is that she and I were together for a very long time and I admit it was hard for both of us to completely say goodbye to each other. We still felt…an attachment for lack of a better word. Sonja and I have been through a lot together and it might be impossible for our friendship to die entirely.”

Isak’s expression hardens. “Then you should be with her.”

“When I met you I felt sure I was finally over her. She’s in the past, Isak. Please believe me.” Even pleads. “What she did to you was messed up and I get that. I spoke to her and asked her to apologise to you. She refused, so I’m trying to apologise on her behalf as well. The point is that a romantic relationship is completely over between me and her and I made that very clear to her. You are the one I want.”

Looking deep into Even’s imploring, sad and distressed eyes, Isak wants to dare trust Even again, but he’s also scared to put his out there again. The truth is that even though there were times when he felt Even’s love for him, Isak also felt like maybe he likes Even more than Even likes him. Isak doesn’t want to always feel that way. “I can’t trust that you are really into me.”

Even’s heart hurts so much hearing that. “Isak, there is something you need to know.”

“What is it?”

“I’m not saying any of this to gain your forgiveness and pity.”

Isak frowns, a cold sensation of dread filling his stomach. “What is it?”

“It’s about that night we met on the rooftop at school. I need to explain why I haven’t been in school a lot lately and why I’ve been flaky with you.”

“Okay.” Isak says, “I’m listening.

“That night on that rooftop…” Even swallows the lump lodged in his throat. His heart starts racing even before he’s said anything, but he pushes through the discomfort because he wants-no-needs to be honest with Isak. “The truth is I _was_ thinking about jumping off.”

Isak’s eyes fly open and he takes in a sharp breath, feeling his lungs hurt as he does so. He stares in horror at Even, who can barely meet his gaze.

“Look at me.” Isak demands, the words barely audible. When Even does as he’s asked, “You really wanted to kill yourself?” The pain Isak feels now just saying that is almost physical. That night when he saw Even sitting up there on the edge of the roof, they didn’t know each other so there was nothing for Isak to feel beyond the panic of seeing another human being about to commit suicide. Everything has changed so much since then though.

Isak is in love with even now, so Isak has to comprehend the fact that the boy with whom he has made such a deep connection, and whom he loves so deeply, nearly died that night. Isak has to stomach the fact that had he not found Even up there that night, He would have lost his soul mate forever and they never would have met in this lifetime. This moment right now wouldn’t be happening. Isak wouldn’t have even this much had he not interrupted Even that night.

Suddenly Isak’s hands are shaking and tears are coursing down his cheeks.

He can’t help but wonder how their love turns out in the other alternative universes. Do they meet at all? Is there some universe where Isak never finds Even on that rooftop? Does Even jump? What happens to Isak then?

Isak’s heart grows heavier and heavier as these thoughts plague his mind all at once.

“Hey. It’s okay.” Even gently soothes and he throws caution to the wind and moves closer to Isak, taking Isak’s shaking. Isak looks so frightened and it’s breaking Even’s heart. “I’m fine now. My mental state is a lot better.”

“Why did you pretend that I misunderstood the situation?” he asks

“I don’t know. Honestly. Maybe I didn’t want to scare you or maybe I wasn’t willing to admit the truth to a stranger.”

“And after we got closer? Why didn’t you tell me then?” Isak takes in a shaky breath as tears keep falling from his eyes.

Even momentarily let’s go of Isak’s hands and holds Isak’s face in his palms, wiping at the wetness on Isak’s cheeks with his fingers. “I didn’t know how.” Even replies

“So if I hadn’t interrupted you on the rooftop that night, you would have….” Isak’s voice cracks and he stops.

Even closes the final distance between them and enfolds Isak in his arms to comfort him. His hands come up to stroke the back of Isak’s head, gently guiding his face into the crook of Even’s neck, cradling it there. Isak tightens his hold on Even, nosing his way further into Even’s neck, eyes squeezing shut as he presses closer to him, relishing in this moment, appreciating the fact that he can hold Even like this and thanking the stars for leading him to that rooftop at the perfect time that he did that night. He tries to soak up whatever warmth he can get from Even and let’s it seep into the places where he feels so cold and horrified right now. at the same time he breaths in Even’s sweet scent, letting it invade his senses and calm his wildly raging, fearful, aching heart.

They stay like this for a while, simply holding each other, basking in the other’s warm and their hearts beating together.

“I’m bipolar.” Even breathes against Isak’s hair.

Isak stills and then pulls back to look at Even. “What?” He whispers

“Remember I told you I have depression? That’s only half of it. I have bipolar disorder.”

At this point Isak’s head is spinning from everything he’s just heard. It’s all just so much. There isn’t a lot he knows about bipolar disorder but he has a rough idea and whatever has to do with mental illness scares the shit out of him.

“For how long?” Isak asks because he can’t find what else to say.

“I was diagnosed with it 2 years ago. In simplest terms sometimes I’m manic and I hyperactively do reckless stuff without giving it proper thought; other times I get extremely depressed. There are moments in between when I’m just fine.”

Even’s explanation confirms the idea Isak has in his head about what bipolar disorder is. “So the depression you told me about, it has to do with this disorder?”

Even shakes his head. “I downplayed my depression. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you all this before. This might sound cliché but I didn’t want to scare you with the serious stuff just a short while after we got to know each other. When Sonja found out that I’m bipolar, I turned into her patient and she wanted to control everything I did in the name of helping me get better. I didn’t want you and I to have that dynamic.”

A mirthless chuckle escapes Isak. “You can’t make assumptions like that. What makes you think I’m anything like Sonja?”

“Now that I think about that logic, it doesn’t make much sense. I can’t make much sense of anything when I’m depressed. The self-loathing puts all sorts of irrationally negative thoughts in my head. Therapy and medication can only do so much to help.”

It doesn’t happen often but Isak feels sad too sometimes and he knows how crazy it makes him with overthinking everything. He can only imagine what Even must go through feeling like that and being helpless to changing those thoughts. The frost around his heart thaws a little more as he’s overcome with compassion for Even.

“I’m really sorry id didn’t tell you about my struggles.” Even speaks up again. “My friends told me countless times to be honest with you but my mind had different ideas and-”

“I understand.” Isak cuts Even off, words spoken so softly.

Even thinks he sees a semblance of kindness and acceptance in Isak’s eyes, and he dares to hope. “I promise I’ll be better.”

“Better at what? Being a boyfriend? Being a person?” Isak shakes his head. “I’m not interested in promises you can’t keep. I don’t want you to promise me anything. I’d rather you are yourself and stop apologising for it. I’m the one who should apologise for making _you_ apologise. I can’t hold anything against you now. It’s not your fault that sometimes your mind plays mean games with you. Instead of pointing fingers at you, I’d rather keep reminding you of how beautiful you are as a person until you believe it; until your mind can’t convince you otherwise.”

Even is the one crying now because on this sad and scary day for him, Isak of all people is unexpectedly saying such lovely things to him and looking at him with so much support and love. Even is not sure what he expected from this conversation but this isn’t it. He’s not complaining either if the way he’s bawling his eyes out is anything to go by.

Isak sits up and pulls Even into a hug, hoping to comfort Even just like Even comforted him a few moments ago. He rubs big, calming circles on Even’s back with the palm of his hand. “I don’t know much about bipolar disorder. What I do know is that I want to learn more about it….and about you. I’m not leaving you side, Even.” He rears back to look into even’s tear stained eyes. “I still love you because I can’t see any reason not to. Whatever comes our way will only make us stronger. I really believe that what we have is _that_ strong. Don’t you have a little faith in _us_ too?”

Even takes a shaky breath and nods. “I want to believe that.”

“Then let me help you believe it.”

“Okay. I love you too, Isak.”

Isak wipes at the tears of Even’s face and then kisses him. In this single moment, time stops for Even. He doesn’t care about anything else but him and Isak. There is no doubt now, no fear, no worries, and no suffering. It’s just them and that’s more than enough for Even. “I missed you so much, Isak. I’m really sorry for the way I hurt you.”

“Shh.” Isak soothes, looking up into Even’s sad eyes. No more talking. Let’s focus on how we’ll move forward together from this point.” Isak cups Even’s face in his hand and kisses him softly on the lips once more. Even nods and buries his face in Isak’s neck.

*********

_I did some research on bipolar disorder to understand you better._

Even reads the text from Isak which comes a few days after Even told him everything.

 _I appreciate that,_ Even replies

 **Isak:** _Can I come by tomorrow?_

Even thinks about this for a few seconds and types, _sure_

 **Isak:** _I’ll ask again tomorrow in case you’ll no longer be feeling up for a visit._

**Even:** _Okay_

*********

Even doesn’t let Isak visit him at home the next day but he does the day that follows. Isak takes extra care about asking Even the things he’s curious about.

“I have this feeling that you and Sana know each other a lot more than you’ve let on.” Isak says to Even. Their faces are just inches apart as they lie on Even’s bed facing each other.

Just about done with keeping shit from Isak, Even gets right to the truth without batting an eyelash. “I was best friends with Sana’s older brother Elias back when I went to Bakka. One time while I was manic, I acted on my secret romantic feelings for him and kissed him.”

“How did he react?” Isak asks quietly while his fingers idly play with the strands of Even’s hair.

“It ended our friendship. I tried to apologise but things were just too weird. They still are. When I moved to Nissen, I had to say goodbye not only to my old school but my best friends as well.” The hurt in Even’s eyes is profound and Iak’s chest squeezes. He Cups Even’s jaw and tugs him close, pressing soft, nice kisses to each other’s lips, and another one on the forehead. “I know it’s easy to blame yourself for all that, but don’t. None of it was your fault.”

At present Even can’t believe what Isak is telling him just yet, but damn it feels so good knowing that the person he loves and trusts as much as he does Isak doesn’t blame him.

“Thank you for believing in me.” Even whispers, slinging his arm over Isak’s waist and pulling him closer.

“Thank _you_ for telling me.” Isak leans over for a kiss on the lips and Even meets him halfway. They stay like that, making out sweet, slow and indulgent.

*********

Nothing changes after Even opens up to Isak. They still talk like normal, hug, kiss and laugh like they used to. Isak still likes running his fingers through Even's hair and he still

The difference is that Even now feels lighter because he doesn't have to hide anything. He complains when he feels like life is barrelling down on him and at times like those Isak reaches for him hand to silently remind him that he's not alone, that Isak understands and is here to take care of Even whenever he needs it.

Sometimes Even regrets not telling Isak the truth sooner but then Isak steps in again to tell Even that regret is of no use now and that there is a perfect time for everything. With an encouraging smile, He tells Even that it's better to focus on what they have with each other now.

They talk a lot more about about Even having bipolar disorder and how even though things seem glum now, there are also stable times when things would be better. Even can honestly feel their friendship growing and that strengthens their romantic relationship.

Naturally the good days are easier for Isak to handle than the bad ones but he still stays on the tough days for as long as Even needs him around. It doesn’t hurt as much anymore when Even recluses because Isak has better understanding of things now.

Each day has a challenge for them but they try not to worry too much about the challenges they haven’t seen yet.

“Let’s deal with our problems minute by minute and one at a time.” Isak says to Even one day when they are stargazing out in the garden in Even’s backyard.

Even buys into the idea because it promises to take a lot of the burden off him for the remainder of his depression.

One day Even isn’t depressed anymore. He can feel the energy, enthusiasm, hope and life slowly seeping back into him. He tells his friends as much on a conference video call.

“You do look better, man.” Yousef says and Mutta nods his assent.

“What about school?” Mikael asks Even

“My parents spoke to the headmaster to see how best I can be helped so that I don’t repeat this year once again. They arrived at the agreement that I should receive a lot of extra lessons and some home schooling to help prepare me for exams.” Even explains and his friends applaud in glee. 

“Best news I’ve heard this month.” Mutta grins. “It’s awesome that we’ll get to graduate together.”

Even smiles. “I’ve very relieved too. “We need to celebrate.”

“Definitely. At whose place shall we do this?” Yousef asks.

“It has to be Mutta’s.” Mikael suggests. “It’s a lot easier to sneak in booze and weed over there.”

“In an effort to get better for real, I won’t be taking part in booze and weed, brothers.”

Mikael wipes a fictitious tear from his left cheek. “I’m so proud.”

“Me too.” Mutta adds

“Mutta’s place it is then.” Mikael concludes. We’ll discuss a day when to go and buy the food, alcohol etc. and when we’ll celebrate.”

“Agreed.” Even puts two thumbs up.

Yousef changes the subject and asks something else. “How about Isak? Is everything alright there?”

“Yeah.” Even nods. “We talked and resolved everything. He’s been so cool about everything, doing his research and helping me out in his own ways.”

“That’s so fucking sweet.” Yousef grins. “I’m glad all that apologising and kissing up to his friends paid off.”

“Are you two still dating?” It’s Mikael this time.

“We are. Officially now. No bull-shitting about the fact. He’s been helping me out with school work too.”

“He’s a nice kid. Be good to him.”

“I don’t intend on doing anything less than.”

********

Isak groans and in frustration and tosses his math text book aside, just about sick of trying and failing to do his math homework. He seriously doesn’t understand why Simultaneous equations exist to torture people who want to get decent education in life. Turning over onto his belly on the bed, he reaches for his phone on the night stand and starts texting Jonas to ask for help.

Just as he is about to press the send button, he gets a text from Even and naturally opens that instead.

 **Even:** Guess what?

Already wearing a big smile on his face, Isak types a quick reply

 **Isak:** What?

 **Even:** I can go outside again

 **Isak:** Best news of the week

 **Even:** Glad to hear it. Join me for ice cream?

Isak frowns and looks at the time on his wall clock.

 **Isak:** After 7pm on a rather chilly evening?

 **Even:** No time like the present, baby. Let’s do this.

Isak considers the offer for a moment and decides that of course spending time with his hot boyfriend is a whole lot better than staying here and trying to solve a bunch of stupid equations. He’ll just have to ask for Jonas’ help tomorrow morning at school or copy his homework entirely. Whatever.

 **Isak:** I couldn’t agree more. where do we meet?

*********

Even is standing in front of a convenience store near Isak’s place with two cups of ice cream. Isak spots him right away and jogs up to him.

“Hi.” Isak breaths, smiling.

“Hey.” Even replies and leans down to give Isak’s lips a kiss.

Isak’s hand hostility shoots up and he curls his fingers around the back of Even’s neck to keep their lips pressed together a little longer. The edges of Even’s lips curve into a smile at that and then suddenly they are both smiling until they have to pull apart because they are beaming too hard to keep kissing. “I missed you, baby.” Even says.

“I missed you too.” Isak reaches for Even’s waist and curls his fingers around the fabric of Even’s hoodie. “How are you?”

“Good.” Even nods. It feels so good to be happy and able to say it confidently.

Taking a closer look at Even, he notes that some colour has returned to Even’s skin tone, his flushed cheeks look a little fleshier and there is a lot more vibrancy in his eyes. Isak is enthralled by how beautiful Even looks right now. “I really like the sound of that.”

“Me too.” with the way Isak’s head is tilted up so that he can look Even in the eye, Even can’t resist kissing him one more time. He pulls back and hands Isak one cup of Ice cream.

“Chocolate with little chips in it.” Isak coos. “You are a man after my own heart, aren’t you?” 

“You mean I can win you over with just that? I’ll keep that in mind for our future together when I’ll do stupid shit that’ll annoy you. Like squeezing toothpaste from the middle of the tube. I feel like that would annoy you.” Even is fucking blushing at how easily and casually he can talk about their future without feeling any fear. He peers at Isak and finds a big, sunny smile on Isak’s face.

Isak’s hand slides down Even’s arm all the way to his hand until he interlaces their fingers. “I love you so fucking much.” Isak says out of nowhere, gaze full of optimism and hope and life. He rises on his toes and kisses Even, stealing the declaration of love Even was just about to voice out. So he pours his love into the kiss instead, making sure Isak feels the love that exists between them.

In this moment, in Isak’s love for him, Even is strong. For as long as Isak kisses Even like this and holds his hand, Even has the courage to face the world and the challenges it throws at him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've said it before but i'll say it again anyway, writing this story and hearing everyone's thoughts about it has been so much fun for me. While i have a great sense of accomplishment finishing this story without much struggle, i'm also a little sad about saying goodbye to it. I felt so much emotionally while writing this story because some of Even's struggles are my own, hence i delivered an ending that truly, deeply makes me happy. I hope you guys feel the same way about it.   
> Thank you so, so much yet again for staying with me till to the end of the story, for your kudos and your comments. I can't express in words how much that means to me.   
> Stay safe and stay happy, everyone<3

**Author's Note:**

> Like always i'm deeply touched by the love you are showing by reading my stories. Please comment and leave kudos<3


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